Ronan's first birthday.

A year ago today, not at this exact moment, I gave birth to the most wonderful thing in my life. He was delivered at 2:24 p.m. and I saw him for the first time, on my chest, and our eyes met (though he couldn't see yet), and all I could do was cry and say over and over, "My baby, my baby."

A year later he is so handsome, so smart, has imagination and creativity already running through his blood, has 11 teeth, and knows I'm "mama." He is a pleasure to all who meet him, and expresses affection and humour better than any adult.

A year-and-a-half ago, I was scared to death. I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a mother, or if I could, if I had what it took; I was miserable and despised pregnancy, and concerned that I married my husband too soon.

Not a single second of that matters now. The divorce doesn't matter - all the fights and cruel words and crying and screaming and hardship. The only thing that matters is that perfectly healthy little boy that was borne to me on February 17th, 2009 is still that perfectly healthy little boy (with ragweed allergy, he can thank his dad for that one) and I wouldn't have had him given to me any other way.

One-year Portraits

Smiles By Wire

Name: heather weingartner
Access Code: LTPP0238110658JCP

No shots from the last two days' outfits because I stripped and napped immediately after getting home. You'll just have to trust they were good though.

Ronan's portraits are tomorrow. God I hope it goes okay. He's been so moody lately, I'm glad my mom will be there. Doing his laundry now so I can somehow decide what adorable outfit he's going to wear. I'm thinking the "I love music" tee with jeans and chucks. Just can't go wrong.

Random Thoughts from an All-Nighter

Yep, totally stayed up. No sleep. Hell, I'd be getting up in an hour. Studied a bit. Chatted online with the guy I'm going out with Saturday. My strangeness hasn't run him off yet, so that's one good sign.

Ronan's birthday has snuck up on me. I've had his party hats for over a month and I'm just putting them together. I still have to shop for the supplies to make the cupcakes, cookies and punch. Still have a week, but I'd better get in gear.

I've lost both tubes of my Soft Lips lip balm and I'm a mess. My lips are chapped and begging for moisture!

I need a trim. And I want to go back to being a red-head but this brown is so dark. I only went with the brown because I knew it would look okay and really not turn out weird on top of the platinum. But I miss red hair. The cool part about the dark brown is the shroud of mysterious darkness - oooo. But that's about it.

Ronan and I lay down for a nap when we got home early this evening. He roused a few times fussy, which means he's not ready to wake up, so I would keep easing him back to sleep. By the time I woke up enough to care, it was nearly 10 p.m. So, here I am. And bored.

When you have a fight with your mother, it's bad. I didn't even imagine an argument would ensue. I explained my need for a babysitter and was told I was whining, didn't need to worry about going out, to stop looking for ways to stress myself out, that I treat her like shit lately (because she misjudged one comment I made last weekend), that I'm ungrateful, and she made it through being a single mom and being lonely and tired all the time. I didn't really think asking for ideas about a babysitter encouraged all that, but so be it.

She asked what was wrong with her babysitting, and I explained that I might want to hang out during a weeknight or something, and both my parents work, so it would be hard on them, that I couldn't ask them to do that. She said if you're so tired why are you worried about going out. Hello? Being around an infant all the time and having no adult interaction will, in itself, wear you out. Things that refresh me aren't the same things that refresh her.

So, then it was silly because all this was going on through text messaging because we were both at work. But I became so upset I was crying and couldn't get a hold of myself. I popped a couple Klonopin (I'm sure one would have sufficed) and within about 15 minutes was able to stay composed.

Nightmare.

Overdue Halloween and Xmas Pics

My little Monkey

Eating chocolate Cheerios right now.

Man, I am really lonely tonight. Sometimes it just hits me. Some people wonder, how could I be lonely with such an awesome little boy around? C'mon, guys, it's not the same. Anyone who has children and no romantic relationship knows what I'm talking about. I don't even know what it is I'm "missing." The companionship? The conversation? Feeling loved and needed? Maybe even affection, which I'm not a huge partaker of. But there is that saying, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

So, I'm trying not to just sit here and feel sorry for myself. I'm working on the Binky Buddy website. Trying to get it organized to start pulling in sales again. Yes, it has to be a completely different product, but I'm actually going to specialize in several completely different products. I wish I knew how to cross-stitch, because personalization would be a great market too. Alas, my skills are limited.