Saturday, March 6, 2010
I get by with a little help...
You know, call me mean. Or selfish. Or whatever. Lately, I run into some of my friends around here and they say, "Hey, Heather, we haven't see you in a while." Or, "Why don't you hang out anymore." Or you get the idea. Actually - since I moved back here the only time I see my friends is if I call them and invite myself to join them. I've had a few dinner gatherings and a housewarming party, but my apartment is beyond small so it's awkward even to have a couple of friends over. But that shouldn't matter. But even if it were easier for me to come to them, which it isn't (hello: baby), it's not like anyone's texting or calling and saying hey-you-wanna-come-over or what-are-ya-doin-this-weekend. Some do, but those that make mention of my scarcity in their lives don't. I just got tired of inviting myself. I even told one friend that...they didn't get it, actually...but nothing has changed. I miss feeling like I'm wanted around. When I chat someone up and say, hey, let's hang out, can I come over tonight? - even if they really want me there I feel like an intrusion. So, if you're one of these I'm talking about, I'm sorry for ripping off the band-aid. But I do enjoy your company, ya just gotta make an effort too. If you're not one of these friends, go tell the others what's what.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
So this emotional craziness is passing. Thank gods. When you've had an emotional breakdown in the past, it's disconcerting to get caught up in a whirlwind again. But no worries, I'm not going to the dark side again.
What's been bothering me:
1)Ronan's rough developmental phases have been rough on both of us. You know it's bad when you're both just sitting there crying because you don't know what to do.
2)I'm worried...no, that's an understatement. I'm practically hysterical about this situation my sister is in with her husband and kids. I won't go into detail to respect her privacy. But it's bad, there's nothing I can do about it, and I just want to go kidnap her and my niece and nephew and hide them away in a safe, warm place.
3)My boss and I had a heart-to-heart a month or two ago about the likelihood of my being rehired. If it were up to her, I'd be a permanent fixture. However, the school lost hundreds of thousands of dollars this year, stopped hiring substitute teachers after the new year, and will be less the stimulus they received this year next year. It will be cheaper for the school to pay a penalty fee for not having my position filled than to hire me. So, here I am, at a job a I love, that I must say good bye to in May. Not that I make enough money. But now I'm on the job prowl again. I'm trying desperately to get hired at a Walgreen's or CVS pharmacy north of here. I have to have the on-the-job training to take my pharmacy technician licensure exam. I think the pay will be better, I hope, because I'll be moving to Norman or Moore when my lease expires in July. My ultimate goal is to be able to support Ronan and I more comfortably without public assistance. Once I have that steady, guaranteed job - then I can focus on finishing my Advertising degree. Yeah, yeah, you don't need one. But leg up on the marketing law and research experience I'll have. Plus, taking some copywriting classes couldn't kill me. I've never made up a new product before...OK, now I'm just rambling.
4)Trying to learn how to date. Turns out I really don't know how. I've never dated someone I didn't already know. I'm really into this guy, but I think I was a little scary for him. He wants his next relationship to go s-l-o-w. I do as well, but I also don't know how to not be super-involved. I suppose it will come sometime. But he and I are becoming friends, and that's cool, cos he is pretty neat :)
5)NO TIME FOR MYSELF. It's been getting a little better - I think my mom was feeling sorry for me a bit. But after being couped up so long with Ronan with no going out by myself and doing what I love to do just finally caught up to me. I've been able to deal with not getting as much time on the guitar, or to read, or just relax and watch a movie (my sofa is hardly used...and there's so much of it!). But I'm not a hermit and I was starting to feel like one.
Ronan's tantrums are still troublesome in the stress department. But, we're working on understanding each other. I just want to help him get through this period and come out on the better end of it. Just following instincts on this one. I think it's been the biggest emotional crusher for me because he's just not as happy as much as he used to be. My therapist said he has "big feelings" like me, and as a baby doesn't understand them or know how to deal with them. I'm not letting myself get as stressed about it anymore because it was really affecting other aspects of my life (i.e., screwing up with a potentially awesome guy).
But yeah, the weight is being slowly lifted. I'm getting my peace back again. That's the hardest part, losing something important and not being able to put your finger on it. I lost my peace - the thing that keeps me on the ground through all the shit I've had to put up with. It's getting regulated again. Yay, go me.
What's been bothering me:
1)Ronan's rough developmental phases have been rough on both of us. You know it's bad when you're both just sitting there crying because you don't know what to do.
2)I'm worried...no, that's an understatement. I'm practically hysterical about this situation my sister is in with her husband and kids. I won't go into detail to respect her privacy. But it's bad, there's nothing I can do about it, and I just want to go kidnap her and my niece and nephew and hide them away in a safe, warm place.
3)My boss and I had a heart-to-heart a month or two ago about the likelihood of my being rehired. If it were up to her, I'd be a permanent fixture. However, the school lost hundreds of thousands of dollars this year, stopped hiring substitute teachers after the new year, and will be less the stimulus they received this year next year. It will be cheaper for the school to pay a penalty fee for not having my position filled than to hire me. So, here I am, at a job a I love, that I must say good bye to in May. Not that I make enough money. But now I'm on the job prowl again. I'm trying desperately to get hired at a Walgreen's or CVS pharmacy north of here. I have to have the on-the-job training to take my pharmacy technician licensure exam. I think the pay will be better, I hope, because I'll be moving to Norman or Moore when my lease expires in July. My ultimate goal is to be able to support Ronan and I more comfortably without public assistance. Once I have that steady, guaranteed job - then I can focus on finishing my Advertising degree. Yeah, yeah, you don't need one. But leg up on the marketing law and research experience I'll have. Plus, taking some copywriting classes couldn't kill me. I've never made up a new product before...OK, now I'm just rambling.
4)Trying to learn how to date. Turns out I really don't know how. I've never dated someone I didn't already know. I'm really into this guy, but I think I was a little scary for him. He wants his next relationship to go s-l-o-w. I do as well, but I also don't know how to not be super-involved. I suppose it will come sometime. But he and I are becoming friends, and that's cool, cos he is pretty neat :)
5)NO TIME FOR MYSELF. It's been getting a little better - I think my mom was feeling sorry for me a bit. But after being couped up so long with Ronan with no going out by myself and doing what I love to do just finally caught up to me. I've been able to deal with not getting as much time on the guitar, or to read, or just relax and watch a movie (my sofa is hardly used...and there's so much of it!). But I'm not a hermit and I was starting to feel like one.
Ronan's tantrums are still troublesome in the stress department. But, we're working on understanding each other. I just want to help him get through this period and come out on the better end of it. Just following instincts on this one. I think it's been the biggest emotional crusher for me because he's just not as happy as much as he used to be. My therapist said he has "big feelings" like me, and as a baby doesn't understand them or know how to deal with them. I'm not letting myself get as stressed about it anymore because it was really affecting other aspects of my life (i.e., screwing up with a potentially awesome guy).
But yeah, the weight is being slowly lifted. I'm getting my peace back again. That's the hardest part, losing something important and not being able to put your finger on it. I lost my peace - the thing that keeps me on the ground through all the shit I've had to put up with. It's getting regulated again. Yay, go me.
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