Ronan's first "babysit" away from home.

Seems like everything went rather well. My boss' wife, Tina, excitedly kept Ronan from 2-8, and has offered to keep him next Saturday as well. I could tell he missed momma when I got home around 9:30, so I snuggled close to him before putting him to bed. Tomorrow he will get to stay at home with Gramps and Gma while I'm working, so that will be a little easier on him. Of course, I think I'm the one who had a hard time being separated.

You know, I can't help but get teary-eyed at the fact that my mother-in-law is being so absolutely sweet to me. She has been as supportive as she can be, but just carries on sharing things and having conversations with me as if none of this terrible ordeal were happening. Of course, in the beginning, I never expected things to get so out-of-hand, so one-sided on both our parts (my family absolutely despises Scott right now, they've always been very defensive of the way people make me feel). But she is still there, and that makes me happy. There are only a few things that do that these days, make me happy that is. I never use the term "happy" loosely. I'm one of those people who gets told to smile more often because, when I smile, it's genuine, and it has purpose behind it. I smile at my customers because I want them to know that they are individual to me, because that may be the first honest smile they've received for the day (most of our customers are regulars - small town). Smiling and happiness are not taken for granted by this woman. Maybe I'm wrong in my assumption of how these things should be portrayed in our daily lives, but it's something I hope to teach my son someday - that happiness is entirely different from contentment and doesn't come from anything material or concrete. And that a smile, a true smile, can make the difference between someone waking up another day or ending it all now. My favorite quote is by a man named John Watson. He said, "Smile, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." I smile with that in mind.

I always got lectured in my retail experiences because I wasn't giving a beauty queen smile to my customers. Um, normal people don't have a stupid grin on their faces when they're having real conversation. That's why I'm not a good salesperson: I can take no for an answer. Because I believe that if someone is even ready to consider what you're offering, "no" is not the answer. I don't have everything that everyone needs, and apparently that's not how a successful salesperson works. Okay that was a total tangent. But I think my point has been made.
I love the smiles of babies and toddlers, because they are the truth. There is nothing hidden behind the smile of a sweet little boy. He smiles because he loves, he is happy, he enjoys just the sight of you, and there is a lot to be learned from the mindset of these young people in regards to the way we treat our fellow man.

I'm actually going to bed after this one, but journalistic therapy waits for no woman.

When I get myself into a mess, I really do a good job of it. My best friend's dad has a saying: "It'll all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." I like that. But I'm looking at no end in sight right now. As of this point, it looks like 2009 is going to be an even worse year than the last two, and that's saying a lot. In 2007 I had an emotional breakdown, became super-depressed, starting seeing a shitty psychiatrist, lost my job, started seeing a shitty sexual abuse counselor, went farther into debt (I had been making good money). In 2008 I left and cheated on my husband, still unemployed, ended up pregnant and getting married when I had no plans for either, more into debt, behind on my debt, moving in with my parents while my husband deployed during my entire pregnancy. The only highlight of 2009 has been the birth of my son, and of course his complete existence. That's a lot, but there's still a lot of shit at the end of the day. At least everything that's going on right now will undoubtedly be over by the end of the year, and maybe I can actually finally realistically look forward to a grand 2010.

I finally start my part-time job tomorrow. I'll be getting 20 hours a week at $8 an hour. Thank god. I'm still looking for work during the week, but maybe the housekeeping thing will pan out. It will be the first time I've been away from Ronan for an extended period. It's going to be hard. I already had to give up nursing before I (or he) was ready. Luckily, I have friends who have offered to help babysit, and they won't let me pay them (not that I could). I'm going to miss my sweet boy. I wonder how he'll handle it?

Totally hung up some flyers, ordered free business cards from VistaPrint, and it turns out they have this new free website thing...then it's $5 a month. Hell, why not? So I set that up here just in case it comes in handy. I hope I'm ready for this. It's got to be the cheapest way to start your own business. All I need is some basic cleaning supplies (good quality, of course) and I'm good to go. I'm actually really good at and like cleaning, or else this would be absolutely stupid.

Oh yeah...

I forgot to mention I went Debbie Harry with my hair. And yes, I totally dig it.

I met with a bankruptcy attorney today. They said I definitely qualify for a Chapter 7, but I have to come up with $300 before they start working on it, and another $1000 before it can be filed. I don't have any more shit to sell! Even if I did, I don't think I could come up with that much money.

I've considered for a long time doing some kind of housecleaning business. After searching through hundreds of "jobs" that turned out to be ads, posting on Craigslist, perusing the local classifieds for weeks, and even researching how easy it is to become a certified event planner, I have spent the last two hours designing flyers, creating a service list, and creating a list of prices for service provided. Um, I think I'm committed to it.

So, if I can make up the hours I'm not working at the c-store with housecleaning work that I can take Ronan along with me on, I don't have to pay for daycare and I can actually make some money. This is all dependent on how long it takes to get any business, of course. I have no money to advertise; even placing a 10-day ad in the local paper is $40. So, with my mom's copy paper and ink-jet printer, I can place a few flyers with pull-off contact tabs (thank you, MS Publisher), place them in conspicuous places (which, in a small town, is pretty much anywhere), and do whatever non-religious people do whenever they really want/need something to work out.

I still have to figure out how to come up with $1300, but at least I have an idea for work. I figure it will take just about as long to get my own work as it would to find a regular job. Now, about supplying my own cleaning equipment? That I'll have to figure out, but it might have to go on the one credit card I'm holding on to for emergencies. Vistaprint does free business cards (you pay s&h) so that might be good...Then I would have to figure out how to pay my own income taxes...

So, if you're in the PV or surrounding areas and need or know someone who needs some housecleaning done...Or who has $1300 to spare, or both...

What an anti-climactic holiday weekend. At least my sister and her husband got to stop by for dinner Sunday evening.

So, my husband just confessed he's been reading my blog, and commented that I didn't think he was giving me enough money, that he has to go back to Seattle with no job, am I just dragging out the divorce to get more money from him, yada-yada. Oh yes, he's reading my blog and now I'm talking about him some more, but I don't care. He chooses to read it after he blocked me on Facebook. So, that was a little embarrassing, where under "We're Related" it had a blank "Facebook User" where it said "Husband." So I changed my relationship status to "It's complicated." I might as well change it to "Single," since I already readopted my maiden name, but that would almost be petty, now, wouldn't it?

Anyway, this is my therapy session, and I don't have to edit it for anyone. It's not my fault he's almost 39 and has nothing and can't decide what he wants to do with his life. AND IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT HIS GODDAMNED MONEY. His legal advisor told him he doesn't have to have a DNA test for me to file the divorce. Um, hello? Unless you're gonna say you're the daddy and pay child support and have custody rights, etc., they have to prove you're not responsible for the kid. So, because his legal advisor has a shoe up her ass and, according to my husband, wants to throw me under the bus, this is getting dragged out. And on his part, he says he won't make it ugly unless I make it ugly, but I didn't go and withdraw all the money out of the account and leave the other party hanging when there hadn't even been legal action. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself, but we have to keep talking about the same things over and over again, because it's like he can't remember from the last four times.

So, it turns out I can't ignore his emails. He's saying I'm leaving him in the dark, and why haven't the divorce papers been sent yet? So I remind him. I did throw in there that I don't need his stupid divorce to qualify for food stamps since he wiped out the account (which I have proof of by the way, and my attorney thinks I should petition to have half of it given back). Why can't I be dealing with someone who at least acts intelligent? Oh, that was a low blow, but seriously, I'm not the one with the college degree, but I'm having to explain everything like he's 2.

I see the paralegal at the bankruptcy attorney's office tomorrow. I guess we're just going to talk and see what there is to do. There is one account I won't be able to file on, because the bastards won't take my ex-husband's name off the account, even after telling me to write this stupid letter and have us both sign it, blah, blah, blah, and it did absolutely no good. This same creditor is no help when I call to tell them I can't make this month's payment, nor likely the next, and they say I must talk to some credit counselor before they will consider me for their hardship program. What, is this counselor going to tell me how to come up with the money to pay you and buy diapers? Bring 'em on!

Oh, and I don't think I mentioned the physical therapy. Yeah, some mysterious tendonitis in my right thumb that has gotten so bad I've almost dropped Ronan, has affected my hand-writing, and seems to be destroying the opposability of my thumb. So I have to go to pt 3 times a week, which is great, since I'm trying to find a full-time job that I'm sure would love to know that I already have previous engagements. But what can I do? I'm right-handed, and my left hand is now stronger than my right because of the tendonitis. And dropping my baby is not an option, and he's not getting any lighter. At least I'm still on free medical care. That will end when either my husband is no longer on active duty or the divorce is final, whichever comes first. At this rate though, we'll be signing the papers on U.S. soil.

And my cholesterol is 283.