No one wants to leave comments now that I've disabled anonymous comments.

So I guess Scott and I are not going to try to work it out. He said if I won't move to Seattle then I don't want to try. I told him I want to try, but I'm not going to move up there on a chance. I'm in no position to do something like that. I think he doesn't want to spend any time here because he knows my family doesn't like him. Boy, is that the understatement of the year.

He also said again that he needs to be around his family after this horrible deployment and will not move to Pauls Valley. That's the second time he has excluded Ronan and I as his family. What more can I say to that? I was actually getting excited about having a chance to try being a family with him. I guess I should have known better.

So, now I'm sad again and it's Tuesday before I see my therapist. Thanks, dearest husband of mine. I can't talk to my parents because they are just super-judgmental and just want to bad-mouth him. I can't wait until I learn how to accept the things that have happened in my life, from the neglect during childhood from my parents, to the lies they told, to the horrible relationships I've had. At least my first husband was never cruel during the divorce. He kept his dignity and still speaks to me respectfully when we do talk. And I cheated on him. With Scott. Scott never minded though. Maybe that should have been my first sign. I'm not the cheating type, but I've always made spontaneous decisions with my heart instead of thinking things through with my head.

So I guess I and my sweet little boy are going to start our lives together, without daddy. It makes me sad when I'm filling out his baby book and I have to leave the parts about "daddy" blank. I don't want to fill out all of this stuff about Scott if he's never going to know him. He'll know the whole story someday. But Scott's the closest thing to a father he'll ever have, he was there when he was born, he cut his umbilical cord, gave him his first bath. And he doesn't want him. How do you tell a child he wasn't wanted? I have to live with knowing my birth father didn't want me. He stopped trying to contact me when I was 3. I don't want that for my son, but I guess that's the way it is.

Still trying to decide if I want to go to the Norman Naturalist Group meet-up this Sunday. Discussion topics sound interesting:

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Your Meaning
OK, so you don’t have eternal life to console yourself with. How do you find value and meaning in your life? What are the things you tell yourself? Where do you find joy? Where do you find fascination and wonder? Do you have favorite music or video’s to share with the group. If so, please forward the links to me, or bring it along so we can all enjoy it.
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This is the part where the introverted side of me is screaming in terror not to go. But this may be the closest thing to a church for my kind that I will find here in Oklahoma, within a reasonable driving distance, anyway. Must decide.

I'm trying to figure out how in the world to name a legal guardian as a beneficiary on my life insurance. I should just call my agent, but I'm a researcher and want to find out for myself. My younger sister and her husband have agreed to take care of Ronan should I kick the bucket before he's 18. It was weird to ask something like that, but, to quote Shannon Hoon, "this is just the shape I'm in."








Note: If you don't know who Shannon Hoon is, you are not a hippie. It's okay. Google will help you.

Why are you even reading my blog, Scott? You blocked me on Facebook, remember? Obviously you didn't want to keep tabs on how I was doing then, why start now? If you don't like what I put on here, start your own blog so you can say whatever you want about whomever you want. Or is that why you blocked me, so you could piss on me and I'd never know?

This isn't fucking high school.

It's official, my pacifier-saving invention is an original. Of all the other "Binky Buddies" out there, of which I found 6, none of them can be used with the Soothie, the kind of pacifier Ronan prefers, which doesn't have a ring. All the others are attached by the ring, so if baby loses the device, he loses the paci, too. Mine is designed for any kind of pacifier, and it's not attached, so baby can move his head freely and still have support for the pacifier, AND the device isn't going to move. Until the baby is about Ronan's age, because now he reaches up and pulls it down. It still works when he's sleeping though. This product will probably have to have a 0-3 months tag. Here are the other Binky Buddy products on the market (apparently it doesn't matter if there's already a product using the name):

So, my decision to stay in Oklahoma until (if/when) Scott and I can work things out has not gone over so well with him. He said he needs to be around family right now, so he doesn't know how this living arrangement can work out. Um, what are Ronan and I, chopped liver?!?! Does he want to work it out or not? That really hit the spot - if he doesn't consider us worth fighting for, if we don't even fall into the family category, what's the fucking point? It's always got to be his conditions. I can't have a say in anything, even when he asks my opinion. Why does he keep playing these games with me? This is why I've had to be sour and bitter. I feel like the guy in Scanners.

Of course if you put the baby to bed at 9:30 he's going to wake up at 7, even if he's not sleeping through the night yet. *Yawn*

This is why I stay confused.

Scott wrote to me: "After thinking about our phone call a lot. I feel your love for me has turned sour. You truly have a shield around your heart. If you want to talk and email you know where to find me. I feel leaving you alone right now is best so you can think. I think me talking to you just makes you bitter. I maybe wrong about all this, however these are the vibes i'm getting."

Then in the same day he writes: "So i guess we are not talking or emailing. Just give me the heads so i can stop looking like an ASS by communicating with you. If this is what you want, then i will plan for it..... "

I may not have to file bankruptcy, after all. Not that it's a bad thing to do, but there's no way I can come up with $1300 within the next 6 months. But I did, absolutely accidentally, find a legitimate, accredited debt settlement company that is going to make my life much easier. I can't put all my debt into the program right now, but once I'm working full-time I can add the rest of it and still be paying half of what I am now with monthly minimum payments. I guess I should say, what I was paying when I had income. These people were soooo helpful, so friendly, and answered all of my questions. Even the legal-eze was no big deal. On this program, my debt will be settled in about 4 years, and all the fees are included in the monthly amount that is drafted from my bank. Ahhhh....

If you ever need debt settlement services, I highly recommend this company. They are an accredited member of The Association of Settlement Companies. The company is Credit Consultants, and their number is 800-995-7765. To talk to the same great agent I had the joy of working with, his name is Ed (forgot his last name) and his extension is 460. You wouldn't believe how helpful they were (unless you've gotten to work with a similar company). Anyway, I'm pretty excited, even though I will still be behind on my debt for a while, I've finally found a means to an end.

typing with one hand while the other is holding a wiggly boy trying to avoid sleep. still no luck finding a humanist church here, maybe i should actually consider the once-monthly pot-luck meet-ups in norman, although i still suspect the low number of rsvps means there's a possibility of an excuse for orgy, or something else cult-like. hmmm...

Therapeutics Outside the Blogroom

Finally saw my therapist again today. She had a family emergency and had to cancel twice last week. Got a lot of things out that are affecting me right now, and she said she wants us to start on me nurturing myself. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like a dose of the right medicine.

Saw my other therapist too, tendinitis isn't any better yet. This is only my fourth therapy appointment though. I couldn't help but notice my chart today, looks like I only have a total of 12 sessions authorized through Tricare. I suppose I'll have to get another referral. Hey, can't beat free healthcare, especially when you can't afford it anyway. It's still hard to write, and my tendons pop when I try to do regular movements with my thumb.

I have officially applied for a provisional utility patent for a problem I've been trying to fix since the birth of my son - losing his pacifier. My plan is to get the "patent pending," which is cheaper, then market my product to a major manufacturer for licensing and production. Who knows, this could be the legacy I was meant for...or just a really cool way to help out other moms with the same problem. Of COURSE I can't list any details, I don't have my patent yet! But when I get it, I'll post some pics of it so you can see the latest and greatest out of my brain...