Yes, my blog title changes, depending on what's in the deepest realms of my mind when the moment hits me.

I'm not replying to my husband's emails. I've decided responding to them just makes everything worse. I can't stop reading them though, the suspense of knowing what personality he's in next just kills me. "I love you" - "I can't stay married to you"; "I have to try to learn to love Ronan" - "I have always loved Ronan"; "I won't make this ugly unless you make this ugly" - opening a new bank account and wiping our joint account clean before any legal action has been taken; "I can't leave you, no matter what" - "I have to decide if I want a divorce or not"...I shouldn't subject myself to what he has to say, but it's still hard to let go.

Nope, didn't work. Maybe I have to mention it more than once? Gouda, Gouda, Gouda!

I wish I could comment on something that would change my Adsense ads to something other than bankruptcy. Damn, I mentioned it again. How about, Gouda cheese? We'll see if that works.

Enrolled in WIC today, they will buy 10 12 oz. cans of formula a month, and some dairy products for me. I never imagined that I would be one of those living on taxpayer money, but at the same time I am now thankful that the resources are there. My application for food stamps will go through shortly, and that will provide the rest of my sustenance. At least I only have to worry about the formula for Ronan for now. I wouldn't even have to worry about that if I didn't have to start taking the crazy pills (Klonopin). And I really miss nursing, I think Ronan does too, but he's been very adaptive so far.

New Ronan Pics

Hanging out with cousin Tate












Wearing the "Mine's a Pint!" shirt Uncle Richard brought him from Ireland.

Today I didn't have to do anything. I did, however, get another email from my husband (who must always have the last word, by the way), letting me know that now he knows how my ex-husband felt, because he wanted to work it out and I never gave him the chance. I wanted to reply, but this would just go on and on and on and...So, he'll just have to go on without me telling him he isn't half the man my ex is, that my ex was never as cruel as him, and reminding him that he was the one that wanted the divorce in the first place. I wish I was a lesbian.

So, I guess I'm kind of retarded. I was trying to redo everything that had my last name on it so I would no longer be associated with that name. I think I exported and imported my blog like, 5 or 6 times and each time it would list me as a contributor to the blog twice. So, I would try to figure out which contributor to delete, delete the wrong one, and have now had to change the blog URL for the fourth time. So, I'm going to leave the stupid contributor list on my profile, because I'm not reentering all this information AGAIN! (when you import your blog, it only publishes the posts, not the extras on the sidelines.) Ugh. Why did I have to get pissed so late at night?

On another note, I put a security deposit down on an affordable-housing one-bedroom apt today. It will take a couple of weeks to find out if I'm approved, but it looks good. They are very accommodating, and know my entire situation. I start next week working 20 hours at the old c-store, which is awesome, and I can pick up extra hours here and there. Food stamps will go up with the living expenses, and WIC will take care of the formula I have to use now that I'm medicated and can't nurse anymore. They'll even let me pay out my pet deposit (the apt) so I don't have to wait to move my precious kitty in (I've had her for 11 years).

So, I get to move out of the 'rents within the next month, probably. Yes, it's scary, but I won't really feel like I'm making any progress until that happens. I did set up an appt with a bankruptcy attorney, but I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. Once step at a time, I suppose.

So, today, went to DHS and met with my caseworker, who was a very nice and understanding lady. I was afraid I would get the treatment of some junkie that just doesn't want to try to do things for herself or her children. But she was very encouraging, and very helpful. So, Ronan and I qualify for food stamps - not much because I don't pay utilities and rent right now. But, I found a nice apartment that has a discount under affordable housing something, not HUD, I don't think, just their own thing. So, it takes two weeks to find out if I qualify for that, then Ronan and I can finally get our own place. I start back to work for Lenny next week. Thank god. And I guess I'm enrolling in WIC as well, since I have to feed Ronan formula now. That stuff is expensive! At least I won't have to worry about groceries.

Also, talked to a debt consolidation service company today that I found through the BBB. They were sooo nice I wanted to cry, the poor guy. They said they can't help me because I don't make enough money to even pay the lowered amount they would work out for me, and bankruptcy is probably my best option because my priority is to care for my family. Aw! Well, at least I tried. I'll have to come up with the fees for the bankruptcy, which I can't look into until the divorce is filed, which can't be filed until we have a DNA test, which can't be done until I either find so-and-so or my husband gets one done overseas. Do I really need anything else? I'm already overwhelmed here. I can't wait to be underwhelmed again. But, Ronan is my MO now, and that makes it a lot easier to handle.

Wanted to throw something at my mom tonight. Everytime I get into a depression or one of my bipolar-esque periods, she gets waaaay more hateful and defensive. She's part of the reason I really need to go ahead and move out, with everything that's going on she just wants to tell me how to do everything. Ugh! I know she means well, but even if I try to tell her she's overbearing in the nicest way she plays some random guilt card. Parents.

Definitely not feeling as angry today as I did last night. A good night's sleep and a sweet baby falling asleep in your arms are always good for that. Too much to do today anyway. I have an appointment with DHS, they want me to bring everything from my Life Insurance policy to a blood sample, but hopefully they will be able to help us out until I can get on my feet. I need daycare for Ronan so I can go back to work and school, but how does one working parent afford daycare AND bills?

Unsuccessful attempts at locating the alleged birth father have entirely frustrated me. My husband's legal adviser is going to help. In the meantime, no divorce. But I've still been cut off from his earnings, except for a measly $500 a month. Oh well, I'm going to use the fact that we're still married to get a small rent house for Ronan and me, so I don't have to sponge off my parents anymore. It's also quite hard to deal with identity issues that you blame on your parents when you're around them all the time. Hmmm.

Thank you, Rod Whoever, for letting me know that the Muffin Man does, in fact, live on Drury Lane. Now I don't have to mumble that part when my son's music chair is playing it ;)

HA-HA! My Adsense had a whole list of links to sell your wedding rings, because I had mentioned it in a post. That's effing hilarious.

I almost forgot, I actually got $91 for all my cds. Yay! They wouldn't buy all of them for various reasons, but that's the most cash yet, and I got to put it directly in my bank account, thank god. Also found a potential house for rent, I talk to DHS tomorrow about my benefits and requirements, and my old boss called to offer me some work - weekends only right now, but something, eh? How much good news could a girl get in one day?

Oh, except I find out the alleged biological father has to take a DNA test before I can even file for divorce. No, not my husband, the other guy. And I can't find him. Sent him an email, no response. No response at his unit. JAG says they don't locate people, so they're no help. Science H. Logic!

I saw a psychologist for the first time today. She was truly awesome, I felt like I was talking to someone whom I've known for years. I spent the entire 45 minute session telling her why I needed to be seeing her, and by the end she definitely agreed. I didn't even cry, not till the very end, and then it was just a little wetness. This is an awesome step on the road to A Breath of Fresh Air.