Effexor. Rather, its generic, Venlafaxine (venlafaxine hydrochloride)

Although I'm still having "brain zaps" from the Cymbalta withdrawal - I was on a 60 mg. dosage and I've started Venlafaxine at 37.5 mg to move up to 75 mg - I have started feeling better, emotionally. The last two days, even when I've gotten very upset about something, I didn't burst into tears. That's a nice improvement from the last two months.

I have 4 days left on the lower dosage, then start the higher. About 4 weeks should tell if it's the appropriate dosage for me and if the new drug is, in fact, a good fit. I made a mistake when discussing the advantages I received from Cymbalta for all that time. It is a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Not an SSRI, but an SNRI. That, I believe is where the big neurological withdrawal comes from (brain zaps - I have to credit my friend Shy with that term). I could be wrong, of course. But I did research it all once long ago and I seem to remember all of that. Anywho, Venlafaxine is also an SNRI.

It's funny how you remember some things and can't others, or certain contexts of your memory aren't easily accessible. I don't know. I'm getting too deep, so I think I'll go to bed.

Available Balance:-$699.82

This is when you're like, WTF happened? It all makes sense on paper, but the numbers never add up. NEVER. Even when you count every single overdraft fee (which is the larger sum of it all). This is why I can't win. I keep tabs on every cent I spend, every bill I pay and when, and I still end up with this kind of kick in the jaw.

St. Patrick's Day 2010

So, yeah. Another March 17th rolls around and proves to be as insignificant as any other day. I don't even remember the last St. Patty's I celebrated. I think I was married at the time, and childless.

I may not have to move back in with my parents. I still have 30 days to find a moonlighting opportunity. If I could have just one turn of luck then, right now, a second income would be what I wished for. Too bad I don't have some green beer, or something.

That's my only chance, though. I checked everything, and I mean everything, else. I can't get financial aid through federal or title IV resources, or any other resource, because my career program is through a private institution that doesn't participate in any program. The only aid I could get is if I were still in the military I could receive DANTES reimbursement. That's it.

The complex I'm living in does not qualify for HUD or Section 8 rental assistance.

Every other type of government assistance out there, and I went to the federal site, not some hokey "we know where you can get free money" site, I do not qualify for. I even did the unthinkable and applied for a personal loan at a local bank with which I have history, using my car as collateral, and of course was turned down. Really, who needs to add more debt on an already dire situation? But I was thinking, if I can just get something to ride a little longer on...The loan officer even suggested bankruptcy. Now, if you can get a banker to suggest that, you know you're looking bad. But, of course, I'd need $1300 to do that, and it would clear 2/3 of my debt - but where do you come up with that kind of money when you can't get a loan from a shark and your next paycheck is still 15 days away but it's already spoken for?

So, I'm banking on a second income. I'm applying at the local casino and several places north of here tomorrow, since I have to go apply for my new social security card anyway. I swear, if I have to wait much longer to get rid of the name Beckett...But I still haven't heard from Walgreens or CVS on their pharmacy tech positions so I need to go see what's what. And apply at some pubs and some places in the mall or something. I'm still trying to get out of PV so it's kind of silly to try and fail again to get a job here that I'll just have to quit when I move. IF I move. Just when you think you've got everything planned out...

Oh, and I shaved my head. Not all of it. I call it a half-ass daisy. You know, the skater chicks from the early '90s? But mine is just shaved to a #3 underneath. So if I wear my hair down I can still look somewhat decent, as decent as I can ever look, meh.

A Revelation Hath Occureth

I am quite pleased, yet troubled. There is an explanation to all of my recent emotional behavior, and the dizzy spells I've been having. When I miss a dose of Cymbalta, or take it too late in the day, I begin having neurological withdrawals I like to call "brain zaps." It literally feels like an electric shock to the brain and is equivocal to dizziness, sporadically. But I haven't been missing doses, or taking them off-schedule.

My body is doing what it has always done. It has developed a tolerance to the drug. See, I was blessed with an immune system that could be named as a super power, and also the ability to develop tolerance or immunity to any product I use in or on my body. I have to change shampoos frequently; have to use a different birth control pill starting after a year; my face breaks out using a soap that once before kept it clean and blemish free. Now, I'm experiencing the same downfall with Cymbalta, which I've been taking at the same dosage for nearly two years.

So, now I have to call my doctor, whom I don't like all that well but don't have many other options, to try a different SSRI. Not looking forward to that. Anyone with experience with anti-depressants knows you don't always find a fit on the first try. If it's not the right drug for you, it can make you lose your mind, become suicidal, become completely apathetic, etc. The only side effect I've had to worry about from Cymbalta isn't all that bad. A little trouble in the regularity department, is all. Now I have to start all over with a new drug that takes up to six weeks to be effective enough to know whether or not it's a good fit. And, in that time frame, I could be extremely unfortunate to be around. I think I have been for the last couple of months, anyway. But this could be much, much worse. Wish me luck. And fuck this serotonin imbalance.

Hey, guess what? I just had my first psychic reading. No, no, you read that correctly. I'm drunk and there was a sideline ad for a free five minutes and I said, wtf? And did the do.

Actually - and I don't care what anyone thinks or says about it - that lady knew wtf she was talking about. I said I had never had any experience before so she said she was going to use tarot cards. I had three specific questions, including whether or not I'll be able to find a new job and why I've been feeling so irrevocably lonely. Didn't say much else, but she knew I was going through a bit of chaos and holding a lot of resentment from a previous relationship. That's when I started crying. I think I probably went over the five minutes but who cares. She said I def need to overcome this resentment and bitterness before I attempt a romantic relationship. Other important details: I have unresolved emotional damage, I must overcome my tendency toward jealousy, and that I'm feeling lonely because I don't have a lot of support readily available. I need to reach out toward those I care about and let them know I'm not able to resolve things on my own, because that's their impression.
I know you see on tv or something a lot that desperate women call these psychics and run up bills they can't afford because someone finally understands them. It's always been very humourous to me. Until now. However fake it may be, it sure seemed real for five minutes.

I get by with a little help...

You know, call me mean. Or selfish. Or whatever. Lately, I run into some of my friends around here and they say, "Hey, Heather, we haven't see you in a while." Or, "Why don't you hang out anymore." Or you get the idea. Actually - since I moved back here the only time I see my friends is if I call them and invite myself to join them. I've had a few dinner gatherings and a housewarming party, but my apartment is beyond small so it's awkward even to have a couple of friends over. But that shouldn't matter. But even if it were easier for me to come to them, which it isn't (hello: baby), it's not like anyone's texting or calling and saying hey-you-wanna-come-over or what-are-ya-doin-this-weekend. Some do, but those that make mention of my scarcity in their lives don't. I just got tired of inviting myself. I even told one friend that...they didn't get it, actually...but nothing has changed. I miss feeling like I'm wanted around. When I chat someone up and say, hey, let's hang out, can I come over tonight? - even if they really want me there I feel like an intrusion. So, if you're one of these I'm talking about, I'm sorry for ripping off the band-aid. But I do enjoy your company, ya just gotta make an effort too. If you're not one of these friends, go tell the others what's what.

So this emotional craziness is passing. Thank gods. When you've had an emotional breakdown in the past, it's disconcerting to get caught up in a whirlwind again. But no worries, I'm not going to the dark side again.
What's been bothering me:

1)Ronan's rough developmental phases have been rough on both of us. You know it's bad when you're both just sitting there crying because you don't know what to do.

2)I'm worried...no, that's an understatement. I'm practically hysterical about this situation my sister is in with her husband and kids. I won't go into detail to respect her privacy. But it's bad, there's nothing I can do about it, and I just want to go kidnap her and my niece and nephew and hide them away in a safe, warm place.

3)My boss and I had a heart-to-heart a month or two ago about the likelihood of my being rehired. If it were up to her, I'd be a permanent fixture. However, the school lost hundreds of thousands of dollars this year, stopped hiring substitute teachers after the new year, and will be less the stimulus they received this year next year. It will be cheaper for the school to pay a penalty fee for not having my position filled than to hire me. So, here I am, at a job a I love, that I must say good bye to in May. Not that I make enough money. But now I'm on the job prowl again. I'm trying desperately to get hired at a Walgreen's or CVS pharmacy north of here. I have to have the on-the-job training to take my pharmacy technician licensure exam. I think the pay will be better, I hope, because I'll be moving to Norman or Moore when my lease expires in July. My ultimate goal is to be able to support Ronan and I more comfortably without public assistance. Once I have that steady, guaranteed job - then I can focus on finishing my Advertising degree. Yeah, yeah, you don't need one. But leg up on the marketing law and research experience I'll have. Plus, taking some copywriting classes couldn't kill me. I've never made up a new product before...OK, now I'm just rambling.

4)Trying to learn how to date. Turns out I really don't know how. I've never dated someone I didn't already know. I'm really into this guy, but I think I was a little scary for him. He wants his next relationship to go s-l-o-w. I do as well, but I also don't know how to not be super-involved. I suppose it will come sometime. But he and I are becoming friends, and that's cool, cos he is pretty neat :)

5)NO TIME FOR MYSELF. It's been getting a little better - I think my mom was feeling sorry for me a bit. But after being couped up so long with Ronan with no going out by myself and doing what I love to do just finally caught up to me. I've been able to deal with not getting as much time on the guitar, or to read, or just relax and watch a movie (my sofa is hardly used...and there's so much of it!). But I'm not a hermit and I was starting to feel like one.

Ronan's tantrums are still troublesome in the stress department. But, we're working on understanding each other. I just want to help him get through this period and come out on the better end of it. Just following instincts on this one. I think it's been the biggest emotional crusher for me because he's just not as happy as much as he used to be. My therapist said he has "big feelings" like me, and as a baby doesn't understand them or know how to deal with them. I'm not letting myself get as stressed about it anymore because it was really affecting other aspects of my life (i.e., screwing up with a potentially awesome guy).

But yeah, the weight is being slowly lifted. I'm getting my peace back again. That's the hardest part, losing something important and not being able to put your finger on it. I lost my peace - the thing that keeps me on the ground through all the shit I've had to put up with. It's getting regulated again. Yay, go me.

I'm certain every mother has felt it at least once, if she was composed entirely of homosapien. But does it ever stop sneaking around the corner and popping out at you? That deep, deep, tear-jerking, desperation that you may not be cut out for it? It's not always there. But when your baby is sick, or going through a phase where it just seems nothing you do is good enough to make them happy - it rips you open inside with back-breaking force. Why is he not happy? Why can't I fix it? What if I'm a terrible mother? This is the ONE thing in my life I HAVE to be good at. Seriously, me, I, am responsible for not fucking up someone else's life, and trying to make them a good person in the process. Someone please pass the vodka.