I absolutely hate when Ronan is sick. But he is always so cuddly and lovey when he is. It's the only time he stops moving other than sleeping, so you know he's feeling really bad.

The more my son matures, the more he resembles the father who won't have him.

Yes, I'm at work right now.

Got moved in to my parents' house (boo) since I haven't had money to pay my rent for over a month and who knows how long it will be before I do. Trying to find part time work in the evening and not having any luck. Boo again. Ronan is adjusting ok, though. Still a little difficult with him testing him limits but he's going to do that, anyway.

Otherwise, despite all the things I should be woefully stressed about, I'm in a pretty good mood. There's my update :)

Effexor. Rather, its generic, Venlafaxine (venlafaxine hydrochloride)

Although I'm still having "brain zaps" from the Cymbalta withdrawal - I was on a 60 mg. dosage and I've started Venlafaxine at 37.5 mg to move up to 75 mg - I have started feeling better, emotionally. The last two days, even when I've gotten very upset about something, I didn't burst into tears. That's a nice improvement from the last two months.

I have 4 days left on the lower dosage, then start the higher. About 4 weeks should tell if it's the appropriate dosage for me and if the new drug is, in fact, a good fit. I made a mistake when discussing the advantages I received from Cymbalta for all that time. It is a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Not an SSRI, but an SNRI. That, I believe is where the big neurological withdrawal comes from (brain zaps - I have to credit my friend Shy with that term). I could be wrong, of course. But I did research it all once long ago and I seem to remember all of that. Anywho, Venlafaxine is also an SNRI.

It's funny how you remember some things and can't others, or certain contexts of your memory aren't easily accessible. I don't know. I'm getting too deep, so I think I'll go to bed.

Available Balance:-$699.82

This is when you're like, WTF happened? It all makes sense on paper, but the numbers never add up. NEVER. Even when you count every single overdraft fee (which is the larger sum of it all). This is why I can't win. I keep tabs on every cent I spend, every bill I pay and when, and I still end up with this kind of kick in the jaw.

St. Patrick's Day 2010

So, yeah. Another March 17th rolls around and proves to be as insignificant as any other day. I don't even remember the last St. Patty's I celebrated. I think I was married at the time, and childless.

I may not have to move back in with my parents. I still have 30 days to find a moonlighting opportunity. If I could have just one turn of luck then, right now, a second income would be what I wished for. Too bad I don't have some green beer, or something.

That's my only chance, though. I checked everything, and I mean everything, else. I can't get financial aid through federal or title IV resources, or any other resource, because my career program is through a private institution that doesn't participate in any program. The only aid I could get is if I were still in the military I could receive DANTES reimbursement. That's it.

The complex I'm living in does not qualify for HUD or Section 8 rental assistance.

Every other type of government assistance out there, and I went to the federal site, not some hokey "we know where you can get free money" site, I do not qualify for. I even did the unthinkable and applied for a personal loan at a local bank with which I have history, using my car as collateral, and of course was turned down. Really, who needs to add more debt on an already dire situation? But I was thinking, if I can just get something to ride a little longer on...The loan officer even suggested bankruptcy. Now, if you can get a banker to suggest that, you know you're looking bad. But, of course, I'd need $1300 to do that, and it would clear 2/3 of my debt - but where do you come up with that kind of money when you can't get a loan from a shark and your next paycheck is still 15 days away but it's already spoken for?

So, I'm banking on a second income. I'm applying at the local casino and several places north of here tomorrow, since I have to go apply for my new social security card anyway. I swear, if I have to wait much longer to get rid of the name Beckett...But I still haven't heard from Walgreens or CVS on their pharmacy tech positions so I need to go see what's what. And apply at some pubs and some places in the mall or something. I'm still trying to get out of PV so it's kind of silly to try and fail again to get a job here that I'll just have to quit when I move. IF I move. Just when you think you've got everything planned out...

Oh, and I shaved my head. Not all of it. I call it a half-ass daisy. You know, the skater chicks from the early '90s? But mine is just shaved to a #3 underneath. So if I wear my hair down I can still look somewhat decent, as decent as I can ever look, meh.

A Revelation Hath Occureth

I am quite pleased, yet troubled. There is an explanation to all of my recent emotional behavior, and the dizzy spells I've been having. When I miss a dose of Cymbalta, or take it too late in the day, I begin having neurological withdrawals I like to call "brain zaps." It literally feels like an electric shock to the brain and is equivocal to dizziness, sporadically. But I haven't been missing doses, or taking them off-schedule.

My body is doing what it has always done. It has developed a tolerance to the drug. See, I was blessed with an immune system that could be named as a super power, and also the ability to develop tolerance or immunity to any product I use in or on my body. I have to change shampoos frequently; have to use a different birth control pill starting after a year; my face breaks out using a soap that once before kept it clean and blemish free. Now, I'm experiencing the same downfall with Cymbalta, which I've been taking at the same dosage for nearly two years.

So, now I have to call my doctor, whom I don't like all that well but don't have many other options, to try a different SSRI. Not looking forward to that. Anyone with experience with anti-depressants knows you don't always find a fit on the first try. If it's not the right drug for you, it can make you lose your mind, become suicidal, become completely apathetic, etc. The only side effect I've had to worry about from Cymbalta isn't all that bad. A little trouble in the regularity department, is all. Now I have to start all over with a new drug that takes up to six weeks to be effective enough to know whether or not it's a good fit. And, in that time frame, I could be extremely unfortunate to be around. I think I have been for the last couple of months, anyway. But this could be much, much worse. Wish me luck. And fuck this serotonin imbalance.

Hey, guess what? I just had my first psychic reading. No, no, you read that correctly. I'm drunk and there was a sideline ad for a free five minutes and I said, wtf? And did the do.

Actually - and I don't care what anyone thinks or says about it - that lady knew wtf she was talking about. I said I had never had any experience before so she said she was going to use tarot cards. I had three specific questions, including whether or not I'll be able to find a new job and why I've been feeling so irrevocably lonely. Didn't say much else, but she knew I was going through a bit of chaos and holding a lot of resentment from a previous relationship. That's when I started crying. I think I probably went over the five minutes but who cares. She said I def need to overcome this resentment and bitterness before I attempt a romantic relationship. Other important details: I have unresolved emotional damage, I must overcome my tendency toward jealousy, and that I'm feeling lonely because I don't have a lot of support readily available. I need to reach out toward those I care about and let them know I'm not able to resolve things on my own, because that's their impression.
I know you see on tv or something a lot that desperate women call these psychics and run up bills they can't afford because someone finally understands them. It's always been very humourous to me. Until now. However fake it may be, it sure seemed real for five minutes.

I get by with a little help...

You know, call me mean. Or selfish. Or whatever. Lately, I run into some of my friends around here and they say, "Hey, Heather, we haven't see you in a while." Or, "Why don't you hang out anymore." Or you get the idea. Actually - since I moved back here the only time I see my friends is if I call them and invite myself to join them. I've had a few dinner gatherings and a housewarming party, but my apartment is beyond small so it's awkward even to have a couple of friends over. But that shouldn't matter. But even if it were easier for me to come to them, which it isn't (hello: baby), it's not like anyone's texting or calling and saying hey-you-wanna-come-over or what-are-ya-doin-this-weekend. Some do, but those that make mention of my scarcity in their lives don't. I just got tired of inviting myself. I even told one friend that...they didn't get it, actually...but nothing has changed. I miss feeling like I'm wanted around. When I chat someone up and say, hey, let's hang out, can I come over tonight? - even if they really want me there I feel like an intrusion. So, if you're one of these I'm talking about, I'm sorry for ripping off the band-aid. But I do enjoy your company, ya just gotta make an effort too. If you're not one of these friends, go tell the others what's what.

So this emotional craziness is passing. Thank gods. When you've had an emotional breakdown in the past, it's disconcerting to get caught up in a whirlwind again. But no worries, I'm not going to the dark side again.
What's been bothering me:

1)Ronan's rough developmental phases have been rough on both of us. You know it's bad when you're both just sitting there crying because you don't know what to do.

2)I'm worried...no, that's an understatement. I'm practically hysterical about this situation my sister is in with her husband and kids. I won't go into detail to respect her privacy. But it's bad, there's nothing I can do about it, and I just want to go kidnap her and my niece and nephew and hide them away in a safe, warm place.

3)My boss and I had a heart-to-heart a month or two ago about the likelihood of my being rehired. If it were up to her, I'd be a permanent fixture. However, the school lost hundreds of thousands of dollars this year, stopped hiring substitute teachers after the new year, and will be less the stimulus they received this year next year. It will be cheaper for the school to pay a penalty fee for not having my position filled than to hire me. So, here I am, at a job a I love, that I must say good bye to in May. Not that I make enough money. But now I'm on the job prowl again. I'm trying desperately to get hired at a Walgreen's or CVS pharmacy north of here. I have to have the on-the-job training to take my pharmacy technician licensure exam. I think the pay will be better, I hope, because I'll be moving to Norman or Moore when my lease expires in July. My ultimate goal is to be able to support Ronan and I more comfortably without public assistance. Once I have that steady, guaranteed job - then I can focus on finishing my Advertising degree. Yeah, yeah, you don't need one. But leg up on the marketing law and research experience I'll have. Plus, taking some copywriting classes couldn't kill me. I've never made up a new product before...OK, now I'm just rambling.

4)Trying to learn how to date. Turns out I really don't know how. I've never dated someone I didn't already know. I'm really into this guy, but I think I was a little scary for him. He wants his next relationship to go s-l-o-w. I do as well, but I also don't know how to not be super-involved. I suppose it will come sometime. But he and I are becoming friends, and that's cool, cos he is pretty neat :)

5)NO TIME FOR MYSELF. It's been getting a little better - I think my mom was feeling sorry for me a bit. But after being couped up so long with Ronan with no going out by myself and doing what I love to do just finally caught up to me. I've been able to deal with not getting as much time on the guitar, or to read, or just relax and watch a movie (my sofa is hardly used...and there's so much of it!). But I'm not a hermit and I was starting to feel like one.

Ronan's tantrums are still troublesome in the stress department. But, we're working on understanding each other. I just want to help him get through this period and come out on the better end of it. Just following instincts on this one. I think it's been the biggest emotional crusher for me because he's just not as happy as much as he used to be. My therapist said he has "big feelings" like me, and as a baby doesn't understand them or know how to deal with them. I'm not letting myself get as stressed about it anymore because it was really affecting other aspects of my life (i.e., screwing up with a potentially awesome guy).

But yeah, the weight is being slowly lifted. I'm getting my peace back again. That's the hardest part, losing something important and not being able to put your finger on it. I lost my peace - the thing that keeps me on the ground through all the shit I've had to put up with. It's getting regulated again. Yay, go me.

I'm certain every mother has felt it at least once, if she was composed entirely of homosapien. But does it ever stop sneaking around the corner and popping out at you? That deep, deep, tear-jerking, desperation that you may not be cut out for it? It's not always there. But when your baby is sick, or going through a phase where it just seems nothing you do is good enough to make them happy - it rips you open inside with back-breaking force. Why is he not happy? Why can't I fix it? What if I'm a terrible mother? This is the ONE thing in my life I HAVE to be good at. Seriously, me, I, am responsible for not fucking up someone else's life, and trying to make them a good person in the process. Someone please pass the vodka.

Ronan's first birthday.

A year ago today, not at this exact moment, I gave birth to the most wonderful thing in my life. He was delivered at 2:24 p.m. and I saw him for the first time, on my chest, and our eyes met (though he couldn't see yet), and all I could do was cry and say over and over, "My baby, my baby."

A year later he is so handsome, so smart, has imagination and creativity already running through his blood, has 11 teeth, and knows I'm "mama." He is a pleasure to all who meet him, and expresses affection and humour better than any adult.

A year-and-a-half ago, I was scared to death. I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a mother, or if I could, if I had what it took; I was miserable and despised pregnancy, and concerned that I married my husband too soon.

Not a single second of that matters now. The divorce doesn't matter - all the fights and cruel words and crying and screaming and hardship. The only thing that matters is that perfectly healthy little boy that was borne to me on February 17th, 2009 is still that perfectly healthy little boy (with ragweed allergy, he can thank his dad for that one) and I wouldn't have had him given to me any other way.

One-year Portraits

Smiles By Wire

Name: heather weingartner
Access Code: LTPP0238110658JCP

No shots from the last two days' outfits because I stripped and napped immediately after getting home. You'll just have to trust they were good though.

Ronan's portraits are tomorrow. God I hope it goes okay. He's been so moody lately, I'm glad my mom will be there. Doing his laundry now so I can somehow decide what adorable outfit he's going to wear. I'm thinking the "I love music" tee with jeans and chucks. Just can't go wrong.

Random Thoughts from an All-Nighter

Yep, totally stayed up. No sleep. Hell, I'd be getting up in an hour. Studied a bit. Chatted online with the guy I'm going out with Saturday. My strangeness hasn't run him off yet, so that's one good sign.

Ronan's birthday has snuck up on me. I've had his party hats for over a month and I'm just putting them together. I still have to shop for the supplies to make the cupcakes, cookies and punch. Still have a week, but I'd better get in gear.

I've lost both tubes of my Soft Lips lip balm and I'm a mess. My lips are chapped and begging for moisture!

I need a trim. And I want to go back to being a red-head but this brown is so dark. I only went with the brown because I knew it would look okay and really not turn out weird on top of the platinum. But I miss red hair. The cool part about the dark brown is the shroud of mysterious darkness - oooo. But that's about it.

Ronan and I lay down for a nap when we got home early this evening. He roused a few times fussy, which means he's not ready to wake up, so I would keep easing him back to sleep. By the time I woke up enough to care, it was nearly 10 p.m. So, here I am. And bored.

When you have a fight with your mother, it's bad. I didn't even imagine an argument would ensue. I explained my need for a babysitter and was told I was whining, didn't need to worry about going out, to stop looking for ways to stress myself out, that I treat her like shit lately (because she misjudged one comment I made last weekend), that I'm ungrateful, and she made it through being a single mom and being lonely and tired all the time. I didn't really think asking for ideas about a babysitter encouraged all that, but so be it.

She asked what was wrong with her babysitting, and I explained that I might want to hang out during a weeknight or something, and both my parents work, so it would be hard on them, that I couldn't ask them to do that. She said if you're so tired why are you worried about going out. Hello? Being around an infant all the time and having no adult interaction will, in itself, wear you out. Things that refresh me aren't the same things that refresh her.

So, then it was silly because all this was going on through text messaging because we were both at work. But I became so upset I was crying and couldn't get a hold of myself. I popped a couple Klonopin (I'm sure one would have sufficed) and within about 15 minutes was able to stay composed.

Nightmare.

Overdue Halloween and Xmas Pics

My little Monkey

Eating chocolate Cheerios right now.

Man, I am really lonely tonight. Sometimes it just hits me. Some people wonder, how could I be lonely with such an awesome little boy around? C'mon, guys, it's not the same. Anyone who has children and no romantic relationship knows what I'm talking about. I don't even know what it is I'm "missing." The companionship? The conversation? Feeling loved and needed? Maybe even affection, which I'm not a huge partaker of. But there is that saying, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

So, I'm trying not to just sit here and feel sorry for myself. I'm working on the Binky Buddy website. Trying to get it organized to start pulling in sales again. Yes, it has to be a completely different product, but I'm actually going to specialize in several completely different products. I wish I knew how to cross-stitch, because personalization would be a great market too. Alas, my skills are limited.

The leasing agent at my complex actually offered me a two-bedroom before my lease is up in July. I'm on the "next-available" list, and my deposits will transfer to the new apartment. I'm pretty psyched, since imagining 5 more months here and Ronan will be walking any second...He'll have his own room, and closet, we'll have a second bath, I'll have my own bath and walk-in-closet. And I don't have to rent a freakin truck. It's about 300 sqft larger than what we have, and a hall closet that we don't have now. Ah, even less crammage. I'll have to get a chair or something for Ronan's room when we do our nightly routine; as it is I give him his bottle sitting on my bed, then put him in his crib and leave.

I won't have to have my bed pushed up against the wall anymore. Ok, when you sleep alone every night it's not such a big deal. But maybe I don't want to sleep alone every night? Hmmm? It'll be kind of like living alone again because we won't be cramped together. It's been nice, and fine for him since he's still crawling. But he is an independent soul just like his mother. And I don't want him to feel insecure about being by himself. For the last several months I've had a curtain from ceiling to floor separating the bedroom into two parts; just enough space for him to have his "nursery" and me to have my bedroom, and not disturb him while I'm up late studying. Also, when he wakes up in the night, he doesn't see me and immediately want me to come to him. I think it's good for both of us. I would love to snuggle with him every night, but I know it won't be healthy in years to come. And I don't want my son to be a mama's boy. Though I can already tell he's going to be big and strong enough to hold his own to anyone who calls him one :)

I feel like writing more but want it to be productive. I'll post a cool pic or something. Ha. I don't even know how often anyone who knows about my blog reads it. It's really just personal therapy. When you don't have adult conversation all day, or all weekend, this can be a pretty great outlet.

Keep trying to upload new videos of Ronan on YouTube and it keeps error-ing me!! Blast. Second try two days in a row. Maybe someday there will be videos on the sidebar other than those where he's lying helpless in his bassinett trying his damndest to get that Panda Bear to stop staring at him, it's freaking me out, dude!

I had chocolate Cheerios today. Yes, I said chocolate as an adjective for Cheerios. Life is good.

I should be studying. But I am far too exhausted to remember the difference between emulsions, solutions, and suspension right now, much less the different examples of each. I'm reading this chapter for the second time now. My sister said it was much easier in lab to learn each of the dosage forms because they were right freakin' there. I'm even having a hard time knowing how to pronounce some of the chemicals. I'm gonna show up at a pharmacy and be laughed out the door. Can't damn me for trying. Anyway, back to why I'm so exhausted: The hardest job I would have to say I have ever done - I take back everything I ever said about Army training in New Jersey in the winter in a freakin' sand pit and it's raining and the heaters tried to kill us from carbon monoxide poisoning and inhalation and seven days without a shower or running water - would be staying at home with a sick, feverish baby, who's just smart enough to try to communicate what is wrong and what will make it better, who's mama is just slow enough to try everything anyway. The poor guy's had a fever for 3 days now. Cold virus, they say. This is the worst yet. High temp was 103.5; don't you think that called for a throw in the lukewarm bath.

I certainly have many italics in this post. You know, ever since I installed the latest version of Firefox, I can't right click on anything. Piss.

I might be going bowling or roller skating or both with someone I met on the dating site. Yes, I already heard it from my mother. She knows how hyper-vigilant I am and still thinks I need to hear how scary that is. Well, I wouldn't have joined the damn thing if a) there was any potential to meet someone new in BFE, OK and b) I wasn't planning on ever making real-life contact with someone. No, the man seems very nice, interesting, similar interests, and a little out there like me. But time will tell. I'll either make a great new friend, boyfriend, or never see ya again. Life is much too short to wait for things to happen to you. And generally, while you're waiting for things to happen to you, bad things are waiting to. Ok, maybe that's just my drama. But you know me.

My Review of 3-in-1 Activity Gym

Originally submitted at One Step Ahead

Toddlers have a ball on our exclusive first swing set, with a unique, irresistible ball pit! Promotes hours of healthy, active fun. Super-sturdy and built for safety, with a high-back swing, security harness, gently angled slide, and soft-sided ball enclosure. Indoor/outdoor. Includes 50 balls; ord...

3-in-1 Activity Gym

Fun, Smart, and Great Value

By Heather and Ronan from Pauls Valley, OK on 2/3/2010

 

4out of 5

Gift: Yes

Pros: Grows With Baby, Entertaining, Promotes Sensory Development, Holds Baby's Attention, Easy to Assemble, Easy to Clean, Visually Stimulating

Best Uses: Playtime

Describe Yourself: First Time Parent

My son loves this, and so do I! I only have a couple of complaints so I'll get those out of the way. It only came with 50 balls which might sound reasonable, but it's hardly enough to fill up a corner of the ball pit. Ordered the extra balls, but the original ones are a different size, so that was strange. Also, the plastic caps that cover the hardware for the swing don't fit over the nuts that keep the swing in place - mismeasurement somewhere. Just watch your kids like you should be and they won't get their little fingers up there. And the instructions don't include how to use the straps on the swing, but I got it figured out.

All-in-all great product. The first time my son used it he was thrilled. I live in an upstairs apartment with a big balcony, and it's sturdy enough that it's not bothered by wind or weather, but is still lightweight enough to move around easily. I can see this product lasting for the two years it was intended. And a great concept, there's nothing else like it.

(legalese)

My Review of 100 Extra Balls

Originally submitted at One Step Ahead

Have a ball — times 100! Our giant ball pack includes 100 rainbow-colored, lightweight plastic balls that add fun to any ball pit.

100 Extra Balls

Great value

By Heather and Ronan from Pauls Valley, OK on 2/3/2010

 

4out of 5

Gift: Yes

Pros: Lots of Fun, Portable, Easy To Clean, Entertaining, Durable

Best Uses: Toddlers

Describe Yourself: First Time Parent

I ordered 200 extra balls to go with the 3-in-1 Activity Gym. The only thing I didn't like is that they are bigger than the 50 balls that came with the gym. Otherwise, lots of fun, safe, soft, and fun bright colors. The storage/carry bag they came in was a great bonus.

(legalese)

I totally joined an online dating site. Not that it's never been done before. Guess all those times I was married I had no reason to consider. Some of my girlfriends have some horror stories, but I had to try it out for myself. No, I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship already. But, I figured by the time I get to know someone well enough to a) meet them irl and b) decide on commitment I would be there, like in a State Farm commercial. I found a free one, it's OkCupid. I don't know what the Ok is for. Anyway, it seems pretty thorough and I like the questions that are available.

I'm a total dork and created a facebook profile for Ronan. I thought it would be easier to put stuff on his own page than make people look at all my crap to know what's going on with him. Although, all I ever really do on there anymore is post mobile photos, read the live feed and like something every now and again. And take pointless quizzes. I think I'm addicted to quizzes.

Yeah, turns out mobile blogging isn't all that great. The last post was originally published on Jan 20, but showed up in 11 different posts, going backward. Guess I should only use it if I don't have much to say. Am currently stealing internet access from a neighbor's unsecured wireless network. Dig.

It has been a long while since my last post, in part to the fact I don’t have home internet access. Another good excuse would be learning how to be an outstanding single mom and becoming anti-social in the process. What you read now comes as a text from my cell phone, which I finally set up for mobile blogging.

To finish the story that, I suppose, begat this blog, my dysfunctional husband and I were finally granted a divorce on Dec 28. Happy xmas to us. I got my maiden name back, and Scott got no responsibility whatsoever. Fine, I suppose, since every time he spoke to me it was vile lies and hatred that spawned from his own feeble mind.

So now that that’s over, what in the world do I have to talk about? My son is less than a month away from his first birthday; I overdraw my bank account every month just to pay my bills; I finally started playing guitar again, inspired by a friend’s weekly open mic; I am enrolled and have completed the first two exams in a career program to become a license pharmacy technician; I miss my girls in KS and MN terribly; I can’t stop reorganizing my apartment because the small size is really getting to me; I love my job but don’t make near enough and likely won’t be rehired next year due to a lack of funding; my baby sister is pregnant with her first child (it’s a boy!); my big sister’s husband has become a complete douche and a scary one at that…Well. After getting all that off my chest I guess we’re caught up now, aren’t we?