'tis the season

I am so in love with my son. He is so amazing. What a personality he has developed! He's just about to take off crawling, has two teeth, is saying "da-da"...He's grown so quickly but it's so fun because we really have a relationship now, really feed off of each other and communicate. He gets so excited when he sees me at daycare at the end of the workday. What a feeling that gives me. When he wakes up in the morning he just smiles at me as if to say "Good morning, Mommy!" and I can't help but want to cuddle him up in my arms and just hug him, although he would object to being hindered from moving about. Nobody could ever have told me how cool this would be.

I've been up since 1 a.m. compiling all the crazy emails Scott has sent to me since the end of March. I and my attorney have asked him not to contact me except through his office, and he is still leaving me messages, emailing me, and texting me. He's going back on everything he said, and now wants to fight me for custody for the child he didn't want. I warned him that I didn't want to make this a court-ordered issue. Now I am going to my attorney tomorrow with 42 pages of psychotic bi-polar rants and raves to file a restraining order. I can't have him keep stressing me out! Every time I even see he's contacted me I need a Klonopin. I'm still up, 3 hours later, because I'm so messed up. He hates me but wants me to move to Seattle to work things out. He says "I will forgive you." There is nothing to forgive. I have closed my heart against him to stop hurting, and he is reopening freshly healed wounds. I was hoping this would just get over quickly.

Well, it has been a while since I wrote, although I've had a lot to get off my chest lately. But with moving, looking 24/7 for a job, and Ronan getting more active, I just haven't sat down to do it. My therapist stays up-to-date, at least.

Most of you who actually read this blog likely know about the whole Binky Buddy controversy. Well, that's been a real winner. Anyhoo, the CPSC is testing it and will be in touch with me, I'm sure. The agent that visited my home was very nice, neutral, professional, and gave every benefit-of-the-doubt in her recordings. I am cooperating with them fully, because I wish to continue my efforts with Binky Buddy in the future. I won't be changing the name, because my patent, DBA license and FEIN have already been issued under that name. Since it's not trademarked, I don't see any reason to anyway.

Scott and I aren't speaking, mostly just to avoid further conflict until the divorce is over. He's dealing with a lot, I'm dealing with a lot, and we just don't deal well with each other. He should be home soon, my attorney will send him the order for the DNA test, and things will get rolling.

Ronan is doing fantastic. He's on baby food now, hates peas just like mom, and is enjoying daycare, even if I'm not! He's a social butterfly though and loves being around the other kids. It's a good daycare, I just miss our days together.

I finally got a job as an elementary library aide at my alma mater. It's been fun so far, though school just started. The days go by quickly, and I get off at three, so more time with my boy and to get things done.

Some people have been giving me crap about using my married name. Hellooooo...it's still my legal name people. i can't officially use my maiden name and the name change has been granted and I file with Social Security. So, get over it already and do your research before you start being an asshat.

So, we've moved into the apartment. Not living there yet, because there is hardly space to walk. I have the same household items that I did with my 1064 sqft apt, and am now in a 654 sqft apt, with more stuff because of Ronan now. Never fear, I'm not a professional interior decorator for nothing. It's just taken a couple of days to get the best floor plan moving. Now I'm finally unpacking boxes, and hopefully we'll be living there before the end of the week. However small it may be, I like it, because it's ours. It's a nice neighborhood, I have a nicely sized covered balcony and separate storage, and the biggest closet I've ever had. It will certainly be an adjustment for Ronan, because my parents' is the only home he knows, and he's used to them being around every night to play with him. Guess I'll just have to learn how to be more entertaining.

My 29th birthday is next week. I'll likely be spending part of it at my therapist's office. I mentioned going to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner would be nice. I'm the kind of person that loves celebrating birthdays, even my own. The last one was extremely anti-climactic...I don't think there was anything special about the day. It would be nice if this year was a little more memorable. Of course, it has to be on a stinking weekday, so even if some friends wanted to go out it would be more like sitting around with a few drinks until about 11. Maybe I'm starting to get in denial about getting older, that it's actually okay to end the party before midnight.

Ronan is amazing me on a daily basis now. He can suck on his toes. Found his thumb. Makes new consonant noises. Gets big belly laughs. Can raise his chest off the floor. Loves to meet new people. Cries in sympathy when other kids cry. Can do a 360 on the floor. Is thisclose to rolling over on his own. Can briefly sit up without support. Can pick up his pacifier and put it in his mouth. I can hardly remember the teeny, helpless little baby I brought home from the hospital. This is what everyone meant when they said they grow so fast. Sometimes, when I'm talking to him, it's like he can understand me. I can read a book to him and he is interested.

I never knew it would be so cool to be a mom.

I'm hoping this actually works out. But I've just put up my website for the Binky Buddy product I spoke of in previous blogs. I got tired of waiting on big wigs to reply to me about taking a look at it.

Binky Buddy

So, this is the new contraption I get to wear on my right hand until the tendinitis heals. So far it's only difficult to write and type, but we'll see how much progress I make at work tonight. My thumb is completely immobile except for the last joint, and I can't bend my wrist in any direction.

Penmanship Practice

This is me, writing with my left hand, getting ready for likely doing so for some time after I get my new brace tomorrow. You can tell where my hand started to get tired.

So Scott's been trying to get a hold of me by phone for a couple of days now. After the first phone calls, which were 3 in number while I was in my 1 1/2 hour long session of physical therapy, I emailed him to let him know my known schedule for the week. He then proceeded to call me at around 11 p.m. (sound asleep), again while I was in therapy (which I had told him the time), and then twice while I was giving Ronan a bath. This last call he tells me he's getting pissed off and I need to determine a time I can talk on the phone. Excuse me for not being awake at nearly midnight or not wanting to leave my baby in the bathwater to answer the phone. He doesn't say what it is we need to talk about, just that we need to talk. I get no email, nothing, just increasingly hateful messages that I'm inconveniencing him by not being available to answer his calls, except he accuses me of screening them. I do screen my calls because I have creditors calling me, but I know what calls are his. Can someone please give me a break?

By the way, it's just a coincidence that I'm posting less often now that Scott and I aren't fighting. I've been going to bed not long after Ronan, and busy with other things, like finding work. I just noticed I only had 6 posts last week.

Thanks, Jaime, I think I will have it done on the left side of my chest, above what's left of my boob. Hey, just using your terminology ;)

Stupid tendinitis. I have to wear a brace all the time now, and the therapist has ordered me a brace that completely restricts movement of my thumb, so I can have a chance to heal. Since pretty much everything I do with my right hand involves the opposability of my thumb, it's pretty much hindering any progress. I guess I'd better start learning to write with my left hand, legibly. I wonder if they still sell those big writing tablets they have for kindergartners to practice writing?

I am soooooo hating my post pregnancy bod right now. My boobs have deflated to a size smaller than I was before pregnancy, and aren't very good-looking, which they kinda used to be. My butt is smaller, but not in that I-need-to-work-on-my-gluts sort of way. And I officially have a muffin top. I'm just thinking about all this because I refuse to go buy new bras and jeans to accommodate this un-sexiness.

One more for the night...

No more comments left since I disabled anonymous comments. Hmmm...someone embarrassed by their not-so-well-planned actions? Perhaps realize they may not know what they're talking about? Mayhaps someone found out who they were and gave them a good talking to? Hmmm?

It just goes to show, it doesn't pay to be a hater. No one wants to listen to you.

I was a 20-something Rock Star

I found out that I'm not in my apartment yet because the tenants who were to move out on the first haven't, and there is a court date set for June 29th to evict them. THEN I can move in. Well, at least I'm approved. Did I already blog about this? Anyway, a few more weeks and Ronan and I will have our first home together. I hope it isn't too hard on him, being in a new place with new things, and my parents not being there in the evenings.

So I applied for a job as a grocery sacker and pretty much got turned down on the spot because I can't work weekends. I'm not quitting Lenny's, not for any full-time job unless it's in an administrative position. And if he has a full-time position open up, I'll take it. Yes, c-store work is dead end, but I love working there, they're like family, and there's trust and a laid-back atmosphere. My boss is my friend and he's not hard core, and if I need something for my baby, I know he'll be lenient with my schedule. You just can't beat that. So, I did put in an application for part-time work at O'Reilly Auto Parts today. From my experience there so far, I probably know more about mechanics than any of those guys there. Anyway, a friend's sister's husband works there and said the manager is a really nice family man, and that's good. I'm only looking for 20 more hours a week to get a full 40. I can't work every day, I need time and energy for my boy.

Got a surprise package from mother-in-law/Grandma Seth today. Some absolutely adorable outfits that he can grow into and a fun book and crinkly caterpillar that he loves already. Good job, Grandma! I heard him crunching it the whole way to the window tinting place, where I got the rear driver and passenger side windows tinted to save poor Ronan's face during the day. I had static clings up, but I would look back in the mirror all the time and see the sun right in his face! It was $60 for the two, not bad, and he had it done in 20 minutes. I know it will look silly to have just those tinted, but when I can afford it I'll have the rest of the windows done. Those were the most important for now - my car came with NO factory tint. So, it gets really hot in there too. I have a mesh thing over the back glass, and a shade to put up in the windshield when it's parked. That's all for now!

My mom actually volunteered to watch Ronan after I get off work Saturday night...I'm hoping to get some of my friends together and have a jam session at Zac and Amber's. Waiting to hear back if they have plans, but this girl definitely needs some wailing-on-the-mic time.

Ew, Ronan gets his four-month immunizations tomorrow.

A Little Light Reading

I picked up some books, found myself wandering the self-help and related sections at Borders today when I couldn't find the book my psychologist recommended (The Prophet by Kahlil something). I realize that these books are only good if you actually use the lessons posed in them. I'm hoping to get into them and do just that. There are only so many things that someone else can help you do to change yourself. Here's what I got, they're self-explanatory as to why I got them.

*The Divorced Girls Society: Your Initiation Into the Club You Never Thought You'd Join by Vicki King and Jennifer O'Connell

*Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody

*Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity by Kerry Cohen

Ok, the last one I got not because I have a sex addiction (I don't) but because promiscuity has always been a problem for me and got me into the current predicament I'm in with my husband. Granted, it also got me my beautiful boy, but whaddya do?

I also picked up the new Stephenie Meyer book, The Host, since I enjoyed her Twilight saga so well. I'll let you know if any of them should be recommended.

Teething and growth-spurts are definitely no fun when combined. Poor little guy. He wakes up screaming bloody murder because he's hungry, but also does not want to be put down unless it's on his playmat. I just got my first nap in four days, much needed, but not long enough. He went back to sleep, but I have too much to do. Ah.

Just found out I am approved for the apartment. However, the people who were living in it are still living in it, although they were supposed to move out and said that they did. If they don't move on their own, there is a court date on June 29 for their eviction. So I shall be at my parents for a few more weeks. Alas, I've waited this long, but I'll have to spend another WIC voucher so it doesn't go to waste. Used food stamps for the first time today. I told the cashier I was and that I never had before, just in case I messed up and got something I couldn't buy with them. Okay, though. Guess it's not rocket science.

Been thinking about getting this tattooed somewhere. It's Celtic lettering, since Ronan's name is Celtic in spelling. Ruins my Japanese theme, but it's my boy. Any suggestions as to where it should be located? My spine and below my naval are taken.

I received in the mail today the prepared Last Will and Testament and Advance Medical Directive I ordered today. No, this won't be morbid, just informative. I asked my younger sister and her husband to be Ronan's guardians in the event I keel over before he's legal. They graciously agreed, so I needed to document all that crap, change my life insurance beneficiaries, name executors, make sure they cremate me, all that good stuff. What a lot of paperwork! I have nothing as far as an estate is concerned to worry with right now, but at least Ronan will be taken care of, and there won't be any legal hold-ups. I don't want his unknown father to get him just because he's blood. That would be devastating.

There actually may be something of a god out there...

My son slept through the night for the first time last night. Unfortunately, I woke up several times, probably worrying about him. But, I had also had some drinks last night, and that always messes with my sleep. But he slept straight through from about 10:30 to 7:00, started rousing for a bottle, then went back to sleep after he ate. Of course, I was getting ready for an early therapy appointment, so he woke fully after a bit, but was in a great mood, and didn't have to be fed again until we got home. So, yay, here's hoping for a new trend, like a second night in a row, with me sleeping through it as well...

Just to put a little perspective on things, I haven't slept through the night since my 3rd month of pregnancy, last August. You can see why I'm a little eager for a change.

In response to the comment on post "What's the Story, Morning Glory?" and for the general information of my few readers, I did originally offer Scott an annulment. However, since there was a child born during our marriage, and there is still a possibility we could have a positive DNA test, I ended up going the route of divorce. First of all, with him being overseas, I had to file, and I can't file an annulment when I was the one concealing information. But if Scott is the father, by state law he has to pay child support, and that route would not be addressed in the case of an annulment. Not that I want to "make him pay," but as a best friend who has been a single mom for 12 years suggested, that money would help make Ronan's life better. She never pursued child support for her daughter, and she is definitely an expert on the single mom subject, especially since her ex is a deadbeat who is living with her mother, can't keep a job, and has his daughter balance the checkbook.

At the same time I hope it's someone else who has to pay child support, because Scott is already supporting two children. I still want Ronan to be his, however delusional that may be, but the timing is just too spot on, and Ronan has his features. Plus, a one-night-stand with a guy I used protection with seems a little less likely to have gotten me knocked up. I guess it's just the softie in me that still loves Scott that I don't want him to have to pay for a 3rd child. He already has a hard time.

Anyway, Rachael, thanks for the info, and for sharing your experience. It definitely would have been an easier route to go, but I guess this is just too messy.

I just totally did it, without even having to think it through.

The Oklahoma State Regents for Higher Education has a program called Reach Higher, a degree completion program. You have to be older than 21 (check), have at least 72 college credit hours (check), have a GPA of 2.0 or above (check), and some other stuff (check). It is relatively inexpensive, about $152 per credit hour. You get a Bachelor of Science degree in organizational leadership. It's basically to help adults like myself finish their degree without having to change their lives to do so. I also completed my FAFSA application and will likely be eligible for grants, because I qualify as a displaced worker and such. So, hopefully, I will be back in college this fall.

I am still planning on finishing Cosmetology, I just have to get my hand 100% first, or it will just go all to hell again. Tendinitis is definitely no joke. I've been to therapy 7 times and still have a lot of pain, and have just started strengthening exercises. I hope my therapist will tell me I won't have a problem finishing the program.

I originally wanted to get my degree in Marketing, and have already taken several courses toward that end, but there just aren't any online programs geared toward it. It's always "Sales and Marketing," or "Business Administration/Marketing." I'm talking about Marketing as in the Advertising industry. Besides, I think I can finish my degree much quicker this way, which is what I need to do to make a good life for Ronan and me.

Everyone should have a little time with their friends now and then, just to release, if nothing else.

Good therapy today, both mental and physical. Started strengthening exercises today with my hand. My psychologist wants me to think of things I can do to nurture myself, to "refill my cookie jar," so that I'm not running on empty. And then we are to eventually get to the matter of forgiving my parents.

I got to enjoy my favorite beer, Framboise Lambic, and my favorite wine, Leonard Kreusch Riesling, tonight at Zac and Amber's, with Chaz, and I took Ronan along. He enjoys our outings. And then we got to see his "godparents," Nikki and Richard, when we got home. All in all a good and stress-free day. Still no word on the apartment, but I'm sure it will be soon.

Okay, so I found some Unitarian Universalist Churches in Norman, but they all only have services on Sunday mornings, when I'm working. Damn the damned! Maybe the Naturalist meet-up group is my only route. But I'm looking for more than once-a-month spiritual fellowship. All of the other non-denominational groups only meet on Sunday mornings as well. Arrgh! (in my best Pirate)

Had to share the cuteness.

My ex-husband actually invited me out for a meal sometime I'm in his area. I'd asked him a few weeks ago how he felt about hanging out sometime and he said he wasn't sure. I saw him at my sister's PharmD Hooding ceremony. Talk was the slightest bit awkward, but he's always been good at making awkward situations less so. It's been a year and almost 2 months since the divorce, and just about that long since we've "hung out." I still consider him a really good friend, he does know me so well. And I miss our friendship. It will be nice to have that back.

Binky Buddy

My product is officially "patent pending," so now for the big reveal!






And since I've been "testing" it on my own son for months, I can confidently say it is safe, free of strangulation or suffocation hazard because of it's design and the way it's used. Hopefully you will see it on the market soon!

What's the story, morning glory?

I slept with another man without telling my then boyfriend. I continued to elude him when I found out I was pregnant, certain it was his child. When he suggested we get married, I wanted to wait, not because of the possibility I was carrying another man's child, but because I didn't want to rush into it. I'd only known him for 6 months, and had just gotten a divorce. But marry we did, and I still did not tell him of the other man. I was still certain the child was his, and convinced we would have a happy life together.

I decided that I would have to tell my husband sooner or later about the other man. I decided I couldn't bear to break the news to him while he was deployed, not knowing how badly he would take it, because he was under enough stress. But it turned out he had his own suspicions, and asked me outright if I had been with anyone else before we married. I couldn't lie, and then tell the truth later. I had to tell him. Of course he was devastated, felt betrayed. The truth of the matter was we had not committed to an exclusive relationship, but the timing was such that the paternity of our son was in question. He demanded a DNA test, and instructed me to buy one over-the-counter and send it to him overseas. It took almost a month with the shipping time and lab processing for us to get the results, excluding my husband as the biological father.

My husband immediately wanted a divorce, and called me hateful names, told me he hated me. Asked me how I could do this to him. But these words came after him telling me he couldn't leave me no matter what, that we would work through it if the results were negative, that being newly divorced he would've acted the same way. So, he wanted me to order a divorce online since it was non-contested, that he would pay for it and the filing fee. Quick and painless. But there was a child involved, and we couldn't use the DNA test we had bought as legal evidence. So I had to hire an attorney, since he was still overseas. He offered to pay half the retainer fee, I had to sell both my wedding rings, my electric guitar and amplifier, all of my CDs, and still borrow $300 from my parents for the rest of my half.

My husband was impatient, asked me why I was delaying sending the divorce papers to him, that he was ready to sign. I told him we had to have an official DNA test. He told me to have the biological father take the DNA test, he had already paid for one. I had already attempted to contact the alleged father by email, the only means I had, and as of yet have heard nothing from him. Since the test can't be performed while he is overseas, we will have to wait to file until he is back in the states to take a test. In the meantime, he told me he trusted me not to take all our money and run, but instead he did exactly that. He said he was required to pay dependent support until the divorce was final, gave me two months up front, and proceeded to open his own account and take all of the money out of our joint accounts, totaling no less that $6000. Suddenly, a stay at home mother found herself jobless, no means of income, $1500 a month in bills to pay, and a child to raise on her own.

My husband somewhere found a change of heart and decided he wanted to work things out. I was skeptical, because he had been so inconsistent, didn't follow through with anything he said, every other day was another hateful, demeaning email, with no regard for how I felt about the situation. But I had to move to Seattle. He couldn't be around my family, couldn't have them creating a negative environment for him. I told him this was not negotiable. And that we had probably gone too far past a point of forgiveness for each others' words and actions. He actually agreed, and I guess we've decided to go ahead with the divorce.

Of course, this is the short, clean version of the story. But for those who may have been wondering what was going on with all of my other rants and raves (all few of you, by the "blog views" count), there it is.

No one wants to leave comments now that I've disabled anonymous comments.

So I guess Scott and I are not going to try to work it out. He said if I won't move to Seattle then I don't want to try. I told him I want to try, but I'm not going to move up there on a chance. I'm in no position to do something like that. I think he doesn't want to spend any time here because he knows my family doesn't like him. Boy, is that the understatement of the year.

He also said again that he needs to be around his family after this horrible deployment and will not move to Pauls Valley. That's the second time he has excluded Ronan and I as his family. What more can I say to that? I was actually getting excited about having a chance to try being a family with him. I guess I should have known better.

So, now I'm sad again and it's Tuesday before I see my therapist. Thanks, dearest husband of mine. I can't talk to my parents because they are just super-judgmental and just want to bad-mouth him. I can't wait until I learn how to accept the things that have happened in my life, from the neglect during childhood from my parents, to the lies they told, to the horrible relationships I've had. At least my first husband was never cruel during the divorce. He kept his dignity and still speaks to me respectfully when we do talk. And I cheated on him. With Scott. Scott never minded though. Maybe that should have been my first sign. I'm not the cheating type, but I've always made spontaneous decisions with my heart instead of thinking things through with my head.

So I guess I and my sweet little boy are going to start our lives together, without daddy. It makes me sad when I'm filling out his baby book and I have to leave the parts about "daddy" blank. I don't want to fill out all of this stuff about Scott if he's never going to know him. He'll know the whole story someday. But Scott's the closest thing to a father he'll ever have, he was there when he was born, he cut his umbilical cord, gave him his first bath. And he doesn't want him. How do you tell a child he wasn't wanted? I have to live with knowing my birth father didn't want me. He stopped trying to contact me when I was 3. I don't want that for my son, but I guess that's the way it is.

Still trying to decide if I want to go to the Norman Naturalist Group meet-up this Sunday. Discussion topics sound interesting:

*
Your Meaning
OK, so you don’t have eternal life to console yourself with. How do you find value and meaning in your life? What are the things you tell yourself? Where do you find joy? Where do you find fascination and wonder? Do you have favorite music or video’s to share with the group. If so, please forward the links to me, or bring it along so we can all enjoy it.
*

This is the part where the introverted side of me is screaming in terror not to go. But this may be the closest thing to a church for my kind that I will find here in Oklahoma, within a reasonable driving distance, anyway. Must decide.

I'm trying to figure out how in the world to name a legal guardian as a beneficiary on my life insurance. I should just call my agent, but I'm a researcher and want to find out for myself. My younger sister and her husband have agreed to take care of Ronan should I kick the bucket before he's 18. It was weird to ask something like that, but, to quote Shannon Hoon, "this is just the shape I'm in."








Note: If you don't know who Shannon Hoon is, you are not a hippie. It's okay. Google will help you.

Why are you even reading my blog, Scott? You blocked me on Facebook, remember? Obviously you didn't want to keep tabs on how I was doing then, why start now? If you don't like what I put on here, start your own blog so you can say whatever you want about whomever you want. Or is that why you blocked me, so you could piss on me and I'd never know?

This isn't fucking high school.

It's official, my pacifier-saving invention is an original. Of all the other "Binky Buddies" out there, of which I found 6, none of them can be used with the Soothie, the kind of pacifier Ronan prefers, which doesn't have a ring. All the others are attached by the ring, so if baby loses the device, he loses the paci, too. Mine is designed for any kind of pacifier, and it's not attached, so baby can move his head freely and still have support for the pacifier, AND the device isn't going to move. Until the baby is about Ronan's age, because now he reaches up and pulls it down. It still works when he's sleeping though. This product will probably have to have a 0-3 months tag. Here are the other Binky Buddy products on the market (apparently it doesn't matter if there's already a product using the name):

So, my decision to stay in Oklahoma until (if/when) Scott and I can work things out has not gone over so well with him. He said he needs to be around family right now, so he doesn't know how this living arrangement can work out. Um, what are Ronan and I, chopped liver?!?! Does he want to work it out or not? That really hit the spot - if he doesn't consider us worth fighting for, if we don't even fall into the family category, what's the fucking point? It's always got to be his conditions. I can't have a say in anything, even when he asks my opinion. Why does he keep playing these games with me? This is why I've had to be sour and bitter. I feel like the guy in Scanners.

Of course if you put the baby to bed at 9:30 he's going to wake up at 7, even if he's not sleeping through the night yet. *Yawn*

This is why I stay confused.

Scott wrote to me: "After thinking about our phone call a lot. I feel your love for me has turned sour. You truly have a shield around your heart. If you want to talk and email you know where to find me. I feel leaving you alone right now is best so you can think. I think me talking to you just makes you bitter. I maybe wrong about all this, however these are the vibes i'm getting."

Then in the same day he writes: "So i guess we are not talking or emailing. Just give me the heads so i can stop looking like an ASS by communicating with you. If this is what you want, then i will plan for it..... "

I may not have to file bankruptcy, after all. Not that it's a bad thing to do, but there's no way I can come up with $1300 within the next 6 months. But I did, absolutely accidentally, find a legitimate, accredited debt settlement company that is going to make my life much easier. I can't put all my debt into the program right now, but once I'm working full-time I can add the rest of it and still be paying half of what I am now with monthly minimum payments. I guess I should say, what I was paying when I had income. These people were soooo helpful, so friendly, and answered all of my questions. Even the legal-eze was no big deal. On this program, my debt will be settled in about 4 years, and all the fees are included in the monthly amount that is drafted from my bank. Ahhhh....

If you ever need debt settlement services, I highly recommend this company. They are an accredited member of The Association of Settlement Companies. The company is Credit Consultants, and their number is 800-995-7765. To talk to the same great agent I had the joy of working with, his name is Ed (forgot his last name) and his extension is 460. You wouldn't believe how helpful they were (unless you've gotten to work with a similar company). Anyway, I'm pretty excited, even though I will still be behind on my debt for a while, I've finally found a means to an end.

typing with one hand while the other is holding a wiggly boy trying to avoid sleep. still no luck finding a humanist church here, maybe i should actually consider the once-monthly pot-luck meet-ups in norman, although i still suspect the low number of rsvps means there's a possibility of an excuse for orgy, or something else cult-like. hmmm...

Therapeutics Outside the Blogroom

Finally saw my therapist again today. She had a family emergency and had to cancel twice last week. Got a lot of things out that are affecting me right now, and she said she wants us to start on me nurturing myself. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like a dose of the right medicine.

Saw my other therapist too, tendinitis isn't any better yet. This is only my fourth therapy appointment though. I couldn't help but notice my chart today, looks like I only have a total of 12 sessions authorized through Tricare. I suppose I'll have to get another referral. Hey, can't beat free healthcare, especially when you can't afford it anyway. It's still hard to write, and my tendons pop when I try to do regular movements with my thumb.

I have officially applied for a provisional utility patent for a problem I've been trying to fix since the birth of my son - losing his pacifier. My plan is to get the "patent pending," which is cheaper, then market my product to a major manufacturer for licensing and production. Who knows, this could be the legacy I was meant for...or just a really cool way to help out other moms with the same problem. Of COURSE I can't list any details, I don't have my patent yet! But when I get it, I'll post some pics of it so you can see the latest and greatest out of my brain...

Ronan's first "babysit" away from home.

Seems like everything went rather well. My boss' wife, Tina, excitedly kept Ronan from 2-8, and has offered to keep him next Saturday as well. I could tell he missed momma when I got home around 9:30, so I snuggled close to him before putting him to bed. Tomorrow he will get to stay at home with Gramps and Gma while I'm working, so that will be a little easier on him. Of course, I think I'm the one who had a hard time being separated.

You know, I can't help but get teary-eyed at the fact that my mother-in-law is being so absolutely sweet to me. She has been as supportive as she can be, but just carries on sharing things and having conversations with me as if none of this terrible ordeal were happening. Of course, in the beginning, I never expected things to get so out-of-hand, so one-sided on both our parts (my family absolutely despises Scott right now, they've always been very defensive of the way people make me feel). But she is still there, and that makes me happy. There are only a few things that do that these days, make me happy that is. I never use the term "happy" loosely. I'm one of those people who gets told to smile more often because, when I smile, it's genuine, and it has purpose behind it. I smile at my customers because I want them to know that they are individual to me, because that may be the first honest smile they've received for the day (most of our customers are regulars - small town). Smiling and happiness are not taken for granted by this woman. Maybe I'm wrong in my assumption of how these things should be portrayed in our daily lives, but it's something I hope to teach my son someday - that happiness is entirely different from contentment and doesn't come from anything material or concrete. And that a smile, a true smile, can make the difference between someone waking up another day or ending it all now. My favorite quote is by a man named John Watson. He said, "Smile, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." I smile with that in mind.

I always got lectured in my retail experiences because I wasn't giving a beauty queen smile to my customers. Um, normal people don't have a stupid grin on their faces when they're having real conversation. That's why I'm not a good salesperson: I can take no for an answer. Because I believe that if someone is even ready to consider what you're offering, "no" is not the answer. I don't have everything that everyone needs, and apparently that's not how a successful salesperson works. Okay that was a total tangent. But I think my point has been made.
I love the smiles of babies and toddlers, because they are the truth. There is nothing hidden behind the smile of a sweet little boy. He smiles because he loves, he is happy, he enjoys just the sight of you, and there is a lot to be learned from the mindset of these young people in regards to the way we treat our fellow man.

I'm actually going to bed after this one, but journalistic therapy waits for no woman.

When I get myself into a mess, I really do a good job of it. My best friend's dad has a saying: "It'll all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." I like that. But I'm looking at no end in sight right now. As of this point, it looks like 2009 is going to be an even worse year than the last two, and that's saying a lot. In 2007 I had an emotional breakdown, became super-depressed, starting seeing a shitty psychiatrist, lost my job, started seeing a shitty sexual abuse counselor, went farther into debt (I had been making good money). In 2008 I left and cheated on my husband, still unemployed, ended up pregnant and getting married when I had no plans for either, more into debt, behind on my debt, moving in with my parents while my husband deployed during my entire pregnancy. The only highlight of 2009 has been the birth of my son, and of course his complete existence. That's a lot, but there's still a lot of shit at the end of the day. At least everything that's going on right now will undoubtedly be over by the end of the year, and maybe I can actually finally realistically look forward to a grand 2010.

I finally start my part-time job tomorrow. I'll be getting 20 hours a week at $8 an hour. Thank god. I'm still looking for work during the week, but maybe the housekeeping thing will pan out. It will be the first time I've been away from Ronan for an extended period. It's going to be hard. I already had to give up nursing before I (or he) was ready. Luckily, I have friends who have offered to help babysit, and they won't let me pay them (not that I could). I'm going to miss my sweet boy. I wonder how he'll handle it?

Totally hung up some flyers, ordered free business cards from VistaPrint, and it turns out they have this new free website thing...then it's $5 a month. Hell, why not? So I set that up here just in case it comes in handy. I hope I'm ready for this. It's got to be the cheapest way to start your own business. All I need is some basic cleaning supplies (good quality, of course) and I'm good to go. I'm actually really good at and like cleaning, or else this would be absolutely stupid.

Oh yeah...

I forgot to mention I went Debbie Harry with my hair. And yes, I totally dig it.

I met with a bankruptcy attorney today. They said I definitely qualify for a Chapter 7, but I have to come up with $300 before they start working on it, and another $1000 before it can be filed. I don't have any more shit to sell! Even if I did, I don't think I could come up with that much money.

I've considered for a long time doing some kind of housecleaning business. After searching through hundreds of "jobs" that turned out to be ads, posting on Craigslist, perusing the local classifieds for weeks, and even researching how easy it is to become a certified event planner, I have spent the last two hours designing flyers, creating a service list, and creating a list of prices for service provided. Um, I think I'm committed to it.

So, if I can make up the hours I'm not working at the c-store with housecleaning work that I can take Ronan along with me on, I don't have to pay for daycare and I can actually make some money. This is all dependent on how long it takes to get any business, of course. I have no money to advertise; even placing a 10-day ad in the local paper is $40. So, with my mom's copy paper and ink-jet printer, I can place a few flyers with pull-off contact tabs (thank you, MS Publisher), place them in conspicuous places (which, in a small town, is pretty much anywhere), and do whatever non-religious people do whenever they really want/need something to work out.

I still have to figure out how to come up with $1300, but at least I have an idea for work. I figure it will take just about as long to get my own work as it would to find a regular job. Now, about supplying my own cleaning equipment? That I'll have to figure out, but it might have to go on the one credit card I'm holding on to for emergencies. Vistaprint does free business cards (you pay s&h) so that might be good...Then I would have to figure out how to pay my own income taxes...

So, if you're in the PV or surrounding areas and need or know someone who needs some housecleaning done...Or who has $1300 to spare, or both...

What an anti-climactic holiday weekend. At least my sister and her husband got to stop by for dinner Sunday evening.

So, my husband just confessed he's been reading my blog, and commented that I didn't think he was giving me enough money, that he has to go back to Seattle with no job, am I just dragging out the divorce to get more money from him, yada-yada. Oh yes, he's reading my blog and now I'm talking about him some more, but I don't care. He chooses to read it after he blocked me on Facebook. So, that was a little embarrassing, where under "We're Related" it had a blank "Facebook User" where it said "Husband." So I changed my relationship status to "It's complicated." I might as well change it to "Single," since I already readopted my maiden name, but that would almost be petty, now, wouldn't it?

Anyway, this is my therapy session, and I don't have to edit it for anyone. It's not my fault he's almost 39 and has nothing and can't decide what he wants to do with his life. AND IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT HIS GODDAMNED MONEY. His legal advisor told him he doesn't have to have a DNA test for me to file the divorce. Um, hello? Unless you're gonna say you're the daddy and pay child support and have custody rights, etc., they have to prove you're not responsible for the kid. So, because his legal advisor has a shoe up her ass and, according to my husband, wants to throw me under the bus, this is getting dragged out. And on his part, he says he won't make it ugly unless I make it ugly, but I didn't go and withdraw all the money out of the account and leave the other party hanging when there hadn't even been legal action. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself, but we have to keep talking about the same things over and over again, because it's like he can't remember from the last four times.

So, it turns out I can't ignore his emails. He's saying I'm leaving him in the dark, and why haven't the divorce papers been sent yet? So I remind him. I did throw in there that I don't need his stupid divorce to qualify for food stamps since he wiped out the account (which I have proof of by the way, and my attorney thinks I should petition to have half of it given back). Why can't I be dealing with someone who at least acts intelligent? Oh, that was a low blow, but seriously, I'm not the one with the college degree, but I'm having to explain everything like he's 2.

I see the paralegal at the bankruptcy attorney's office tomorrow. I guess we're just going to talk and see what there is to do. There is one account I won't be able to file on, because the bastards won't take my ex-husband's name off the account, even after telling me to write this stupid letter and have us both sign it, blah, blah, blah, and it did absolutely no good. This same creditor is no help when I call to tell them I can't make this month's payment, nor likely the next, and they say I must talk to some credit counselor before they will consider me for their hardship program. What, is this counselor going to tell me how to come up with the money to pay you and buy diapers? Bring 'em on!

Oh, and I don't think I mentioned the physical therapy. Yeah, some mysterious tendonitis in my right thumb that has gotten so bad I've almost dropped Ronan, has affected my hand-writing, and seems to be destroying the opposability of my thumb. So I have to go to pt 3 times a week, which is great, since I'm trying to find a full-time job that I'm sure would love to know that I already have previous engagements. But what can I do? I'm right-handed, and my left hand is now stronger than my right because of the tendonitis. And dropping my baby is not an option, and he's not getting any lighter. At least I'm still on free medical care. That will end when either my husband is no longer on active duty or the divorce is final, whichever comes first. At this rate though, we'll be signing the papers on U.S. soil.

And my cholesterol is 283.

Yes, my blog title changes, depending on what's in the deepest realms of my mind when the moment hits me.

I'm not replying to my husband's emails. I've decided responding to them just makes everything worse. I can't stop reading them though, the suspense of knowing what personality he's in next just kills me. "I love you" - "I can't stay married to you"; "I have to try to learn to love Ronan" - "I have always loved Ronan"; "I won't make this ugly unless you make this ugly" - opening a new bank account and wiping our joint account clean before any legal action has been taken; "I can't leave you, no matter what" - "I have to decide if I want a divorce or not"...I shouldn't subject myself to what he has to say, but it's still hard to let go.

Nope, didn't work. Maybe I have to mention it more than once? Gouda, Gouda, Gouda!

I wish I could comment on something that would change my Adsense ads to something other than bankruptcy. Damn, I mentioned it again. How about, Gouda cheese? We'll see if that works.

Enrolled in WIC today, they will buy 10 12 oz. cans of formula a month, and some dairy products for me. I never imagined that I would be one of those living on taxpayer money, but at the same time I am now thankful that the resources are there. My application for food stamps will go through shortly, and that will provide the rest of my sustenance. At least I only have to worry about the formula for Ronan for now. I wouldn't even have to worry about that if I didn't have to start taking the crazy pills (Klonopin). And I really miss nursing, I think Ronan does too, but he's been very adaptive so far.

New Ronan Pics

Hanging out with cousin Tate












Wearing the "Mine's a Pint!" shirt Uncle Richard brought him from Ireland.

Today I didn't have to do anything. I did, however, get another email from my husband (who must always have the last word, by the way), letting me know that now he knows how my ex-husband felt, because he wanted to work it out and I never gave him the chance. I wanted to reply, but this would just go on and on and on and...So, he'll just have to go on without me telling him he isn't half the man my ex is, that my ex was never as cruel as him, and reminding him that he was the one that wanted the divorce in the first place. I wish I was a lesbian.

So, I guess I'm kind of retarded. I was trying to redo everything that had my last name on it so I would no longer be associated with that name. I think I exported and imported my blog like, 5 or 6 times and each time it would list me as a contributor to the blog twice. So, I would try to figure out which contributor to delete, delete the wrong one, and have now had to change the blog URL for the fourth time. So, I'm going to leave the stupid contributor list on my profile, because I'm not reentering all this information AGAIN! (when you import your blog, it only publishes the posts, not the extras on the sidelines.) Ugh. Why did I have to get pissed so late at night?

On another note, I put a security deposit down on an affordable-housing one-bedroom apt today. It will take a couple of weeks to find out if I'm approved, but it looks good. They are very accommodating, and know my entire situation. I start next week working 20 hours at the old c-store, which is awesome, and I can pick up extra hours here and there. Food stamps will go up with the living expenses, and WIC will take care of the formula I have to use now that I'm medicated and can't nurse anymore. They'll even let me pay out my pet deposit (the apt) so I don't have to wait to move my precious kitty in (I've had her for 11 years).

So, I get to move out of the 'rents within the next month, probably. Yes, it's scary, but I won't really feel like I'm making any progress until that happens. I did set up an appt with a bankruptcy attorney, but I don't know how I'm going to pay for it. Once step at a time, I suppose.

So, today, went to DHS and met with my caseworker, who was a very nice and understanding lady. I was afraid I would get the treatment of some junkie that just doesn't want to try to do things for herself or her children. But she was very encouraging, and very helpful. So, Ronan and I qualify for food stamps - not much because I don't pay utilities and rent right now. But, I found a nice apartment that has a discount under affordable housing something, not HUD, I don't think, just their own thing. So, it takes two weeks to find out if I qualify for that, then Ronan and I can finally get our own place. I start back to work for Lenny next week. Thank god. And I guess I'm enrolling in WIC as well, since I have to feed Ronan formula now. That stuff is expensive! At least I won't have to worry about groceries.

Also, talked to a debt consolidation service company today that I found through the BBB. They were sooo nice I wanted to cry, the poor guy. They said they can't help me because I don't make enough money to even pay the lowered amount they would work out for me, and bankruptcy is probably my best option because my priority is to care for my family. Aw! Well, at least I tried. I'll have to come up with the fees for the bankruptcy, which I can't look into until the divorce is filed, which can't be filed until we have a DNA test, which can't be done until I either find so-and-so or my husband gets one done overseas. Do I really need anything else? I'm already overwhelmed here. I can't wait to be underwhelmed again. But, Ronan is my MO now, and that makes it a lot easier to handle.

Wanted to throw something at my mom tonight. Everytime I get into a depression or one of my bipolar-esque periods, she gets waaaay more hateful and defensive. She's part of the reason I really need to go ahead and move out, with everything that's going on she just wants to tell me how to do everything. Ugh! I know she means well, but even if I try to tell her she's overbearing in the nicest way she plays some random guilt card. Parents.

Definitely not feeling as angry today as I did last night. A good night's sleep and a sweet baby falling asleep in your arms are always good for that. Too much to do today anyway. I have an appointment with DHS, they want me to bring everything from my Life Insurance policy to a blood sample, but hopefully they will be able to help us out until I can get on my feet. I need daycare for Ronan so I can go back to work and school, but how does one working parent afford daycare AND bills?

Unsuccessful attempts at locating the alleged birth father have entirely frustrated me. My husband's legal adviser is going to help. In the meantime, no divorce. But I've still been cut off from his earnings, except for a measly $500 a month. Oh well, I'm going to use the fact that we're still married to get a small rent house for Ronan and me, so I don't have to sponge off my parents anymore. It's also quite hard to deal with identity issues that you blame on your parents when you're around them all the time. Hmmm.

Thank you, Rod Whoever, for letting me know that the Muffin Man does, in fact, live on Drury Lane. Now I don't have to mumble that part when my son's music chair is playing it ;)

HA-HA! My Adsense had a whole list of links to sell your wedding rings, because I had mentioned it in a post. That's effing hilarious.

I almost forgot, I actually got $91 for all my cds. Yay! They wouldn't buy all of them for various reasons, but that's the most cash yet, and I got to put it directly in my bank account, thank god. Also found a potential house for rent, I talk to DHS tomorrow about my benefits and requirements, and my old boss called to offer me some work - weekends only right now, but something, eh? How much good news could a girl get in one day?

Oh, except I find out the alleged biological father has to take a DNA test before I can even file for divorce. No, not my husband, the other guy. And I can't find him. Sent him an email, no response. No response at his unit. JAG says they don't locate people, so they're no help. Science H. Logic!

I saw a psychologist for the first time today. She was truly awesome, I felt like I was talking to someone whom I've known for years. I spent the entire 45 minute session telling her why I needed to be seeing her, and by the end she definitely agreed. I didn't even cry, not till the very end, and then it was just a little wetness. This is an awesome step on the road to A Breath of Fresh Air.